Choose Yourself First because your Self Assurance Will Ensure Love to Last

What if the simplest way to improve your relationship is to stop disappearing inside it? We dive into the heart of self-assurance—how to hold your values, routines, and voice—while building a love that actually fits both people. With guest Mr. J bringing a candid Gen X perspective and lived experience, we unpack the tension between compromise and conformity and show how small, daily choices redefine respect.

We get practical fast. Think morning person meets night owl: music down, coffee up, energy calibrated. Those tiny moves create trust. We talk about partners who won’t speak up, why “being easy” backfires, and how resentment builds when needs go unnamed. Mr. J shares powerful stories about encouraging a partner to find her own goals, and we explore how culture can normalize self-erasure—and how to unlearn it with curiosity and clear boundaries.

Raised by single moms, we compare notes on responsibility, gender roles, and what it means to “let him lead” without silencing yourself. Sometimes leadership is fixing a thing; sometimes it’s listening and protecting space. Then we draw a line in bold ink: stop parenting grown adults and start healing. Walking into love with open wounds turns partners into projects. Do the work—therapy, reflection, accountability—so you can meet each other as equals rather than repair jobs.

Expect a warm, unfiltered conversation filled with relationship tips, boundary-setting strategies, and examples you can try tonight. If you care about healthy relationships, emotional healing, better communication, and the power of small gestures, this one will stick with you. Subscribe, share with someone who needs stronger boundaries, and tell us: what value of yours is non-negotiable? Your feedback shapes what we explore next.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome And Topic Setup
• 1:52 Defining Self-Assurance In Relationships
• 3:45 Compromise Over Conformity
• 6:30 Morning Owl, Night Owl: Real-Life Example
• 10:15 The Power Of Small Everyday Gestures
• 13:40 Don’t Lose Yourself For Love
• 17:45 When Partners Won’t Speak Up
• 21:00 Culture, Autonomy, And Goals
• 25:20 Raised By Single Moms: Lessons
• 30:10 Let Him Lead Sometimes, Or Just Listen

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:00

Bam, chickawa. What's up, party people? Welcome to another episode of L Kivate Your Life. I am your hostess with the most sess. L is in the letter L and key as in the key to your heart. Well, tonight we're going to be, first of all, I'm going to recap on the last few episodes or the last episode just for any newcomers that we have. But also we have a special guest with us today, uh, Mr. J, who's going to give us some perspective from uh Gen Zen X. Gen X. Uh, I think we're going to be talking about relationships, reassurance of the self. He might be schooling me, actually. He might be schooling all of us, to be honest. Um, so first of all, Mr. J, thank you for being here.

SPEAKER_00: 1:05

My pleasure.

SPEAKER_01: 1:06

Um, I'm excited to hear what you have to say on this topic because just in us talking about it, I'm like, oh, you really might be schooling me on this stuff. I thought I knew some things, but it's always nice to have a guest, um, a male perspective. And um, so just to recap, I know the last couple episodes were about Woody the Woodpecker. I am happy to announce I don't think he'll be interrupting us because if he is, it's usually between four and five. So far, so good. Fingers crossed, y'all. Um, but yeah, I am interested to hear your perspective on reassurance of the self and what that looks like to you. So feel free to share.

SPEAKER_00: 1:56

Well, today I will like to cover this topic because it's a lot of people who enter and go out of relationships and not having self-reinsurance. And what is what I mean by that as in self-reinsurance, of reinsuring yourself of your values and things that you actually hold to to the light of a certain situation and people and things. All I'm just trying to remind people is don't forget about those things when you're going into a relationship because you're so attracted to the person that you could possibly be with at the moment, or could, you know, possibly think that you have a future with. Not saying that miracles or anything, or not saying that love is not attainable or unbelieving, but I feel like a lot of people lose themselves going into relationships.

SPEAKER_02: 2:53

So true.

SPEAKER_00: 2:54

Thinking that I have to please this person or change myself so much for the next person when really it's not that at all. If a person really loves and he really likes you, vice versa, of men and women, I would they would compromise. And again, this is a big word for me guys, because right now we don't have a lot of people compromising for the next person. That's so true. If this is some if this is someone that you care about and you want to see them in your life every day, then it's something you're gonna have to be willing to compromise for.

SPEAKER_01: 3:38

Examples.

SPEAKER_00: 3:39

So I will give an I'll give a maybe a a small scenario. Yeah, perfect. Say if like someone has a certain routine in the morning, and that other person has a whole opposite routine.

SPEAKER_01: 3:55

Okay.

SPEAKER_00: 3:56

If you love that person enough, you will come together 50-50 to work out a routine where you guys are both satisfied in some type of way. It doesn't require for every person in each party to be happy, but it does require a level of subtleness to it. Okay. Because that is what compromising is. Right. You might not have to agree with it all the time. Yep. But if you do love and like this person, this is something you're gonna have to do. Now, back to my topic about reinsurance of yourself. I'm not saying that, hey, you have to change your whole life and whole outlook of people and things on this one person's perspective. Your opinion and what you come to mind still matters. That person needs to love you and compromise enough to understand that.

SPEAKER_01: 5:04

So you're saying, like, if one person is a morning person and the other person is a night person, and that person comes in all hyphy because they're a morning person and you are not, and they're just like, hey, good morning, and you're like, uh no, I'm not ready for all of that energy.

SPEAKER_00: 5:25

Exactly. No, that's that's a perfect example. So their next step is either the one of you has to be like, okay, let me take a step back. I know that my partner, she does not like mornings. So I'll come to her subtle and I'll go B on a different type of limelight on my time because I know this is what I like. But when it comes to her and she comes out of that room, hey, let's turn the music down, let's tone it down a little bit. She, I know she likes coffee in the morning. Let's get her a coffee made or something. Maybe that will might put her in a better mood to match your tone.

SPEAKER_01: 6:06

Mm-hmm. Yeah, mirror match. I like that. It's funny that we're talking about this because uh it's literally an example of me and my husband, he's a morning person. I am not. I need I need time to wake up, and he usually on most days, not necessarily weekdays because we're on different schedules, but that's what happens a lot of the time. And yeah, that's a great, great example of yeah, just be mindful of the other person's wants or needs, right?

SPEAKER_00: 6:38

Yeah, um, definitely. If if it's a it's it's uh I know a lot of people agree and don't agree with this, but the small and little things matter.

SPEAKER_01: 6:52

They do. This I mean, I feel like if you talk to any happily married couple or long-term couple, they are gonna say it's the little things that make the difference. So yeah, I agree with you there. Okay, good to know. So basically, I just want to make sure I'm under I want to make sure I'm picking up what you're putting down, is that you're saying, like, don't lose yourself in the other person and to um be like them. Don't lose yourself in that relationship, like, you know, don't settle for things and don't like because my husband's a morning person and I am not, I'm not gonna like fake it and be a morning person.

SPEAKER_00: 7:39

Like hurting you at the end of the day, you're you're kind of not gonna say killing yourself, but it's like you're you you're demoralizing yourself to something that you know that you're you don't like and you're not happy with. Yeah. But if that person knows these things, it's up to that person to take a step back some days and some mornings and be like, hey, I know she doesn't like these things, let me go against what I don't like for a few days or for a moment so she can get what she needs. Yeah. And this is the same on the other foot for women too. Like, you know, your man, like you like to wake up and bunk music and put on your makeup and stuff like that, but you know that he's a subtle person. You know, if there's another, you know, another place in the household maybe we can go to or you can go to for the moment and try that, not saying like it, or you could be in a situation where the bathroom is right next to the indoor room, you know? Yeah. And there's some stuff that can't, you know, be worked out immediately or in that, you know, that way. But if what I'm trying to say, guys, too, in another way, you can still be yourself, but if that person loves you, they're gonna tolerate them things, they're gonna tolerate that stuff. That them little those little ignorances, um, those little ignorant things that they find not to their liking and stuff like that. If that person really likes you and really loves you, it's okay. That's because it's minor.

SPEAKER_01: 9:12

Yeah, I think it is important to compromise. Okay, so let me ask you this question, because I feel like you can totally relate to this. So, have you been in a situation where you feel like you you didn't have the self-assurance, or were you with somebody that was afraid to speak their mind to you and was just like, okay, I'll give you an example. So, before I met my husband years ago, um, had a boyfriend, became engaged, and um, he was kind of a pushover. I'm not gonna lie, he was a pushover, and I would be like, Why don't you speak up for yourself? And he was like, Oh, just kidding. I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. And I'm like, No, you meant it. Just speak up for yourself. And in that moment, I was realizing he was dumbing it down for me, and I was like, Why are you doing that? Because you're hurting yourself, because then resentment builds. So, were you ever in a relationship like that where you did experience this and you didn't have this like self-assurance, or was it on the other person? What was your experience?

SPEAKER_00: 10:21

I love that you brought that up. So I've been I've been on both hands of that foot. Okay. So my first situation, relationship, situationship, was with uh with another girl a few years back. And at the time she didn't have any guidance in her life. She didn't know where she wanted to actually be in life, she just knew she wanted to be successful at one point, didn't have any, you know, places to go. So she followed me through every step of the way.

SPEAKER_02: 10:58

Okay.

SPEAKER_00: 10:58

And everything through thick and thin, which is wasn't a problem. But at one point I start to question like, what do you want for yourself?

SPEAKER_01: 11:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 11:07

What are your goals? What are your dreams?

SPEAKER_01: 11:10

What are you for doing that? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 11:12

She couldn't tell me, she couldn't fathom the question that I asked her, What does she want for herself? And she never knew what she wanted for herself.

SPEAKER_01: 11:24

So she didn't take time to think about her own needs, she was just worried about pleasing everybody else, pleasing the man in her life.

SPEAKER_00: 11:33

But fairly speaking, for our audiences, she was um of a different culture from my own. So in their culture, this is what they were taught. So in my opinion, we are our own person and our own people. So it never it never it never really occurred to me that why wouldn't she want her own life? Yeah. Like it it it and and it because I believed in what she believed in at one point, and I was like, okay, if that's what you believe in, then I'm gonna go with it. But after a while, I just it felt like she was like I it I was in the I was just commanding her to everything, and I didn't like that. I wanted her to have her own opinion. Yeah, I wanted her to have, you know, yeah, say something, uh-huh, something back.

SPEAKER_02: 12:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 12:36

And when, you know, if she didn't feel comfortable with it, but she was not a compromising woman, like she she didn't deal with that type of stuff.

SPEAKER_01: 12:44

She she didn't like the the the like she felt like it was uh yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 12:54

She was she just wanted everything to be easier, and she kind of lived like with some traditional good man live life, a happy life, happy wife. Instead of she was on, you know, happy life, happy husband. But after we took back time to take back to find out what she really wanted in life and goals, I told her to pursue those things, but she was so so so so caught up on oh, well, what are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? This doesn't matter what I'm gonna do. What are you gonna do? We this is in remind you guys this is at the time where we were in 23, 24. I am 27, guys, at the moment.

SPEAKER_01: 13:37

Okay, so so younger, still learning about yourself and what you want out of life, but good on you for bringing that to her attention because that is such an impressionable age. I mean, I have a daughter that's 24, I have a son that's 31, and she'll ask me questions sometimes, and I'll be like, oh girl, you you don't know because you're still young, you know what I mean? Haven't been through it, right? But I think that's really commendable that you did that. That shows that you do have mindfulness to where you're like, your feelings are important too, and there's a lot of people out there that would take advantage of that.

SPEAKER_02: 14:18

Of course.

SPEAKER_01: 14:20

And so good on you for being mindful enough to ask her, well, what do you want? What are you looking for? What's important to you, you know?

SPEAKER_00: 14:29

Well, I want you guys to let so sorry, I want to let you guys know that where this point of view is coming from, I was raised by a single mother, so I have very high respect for women. So I look for that drive in women to what they want to go get. So you guys are not, it doesn't seem like you guys are just being weighed down of what the man wants and what you guys have to live up to all the time, because it's not it. It's it's what you guys have dreams and goals as well, too. And you guys are I just want to let you guys know that please follow your dreams, whatever you thought of yourself at the beginning of that relationship, don't lose that. Now, if you do meet a man that puts a little bit more extra into your life, getting to believe yourself and everything too. I I recommend that. But please hold your values to yourself and make sure that you guys believe in those values and you can withstand that.

SPEAKER_01: 15:35

I think that's super important. I was also raised by a single mom, which is why I'm like, you don't let any food go to waste because we grew up kind of poor. I mean, when I was younger, not when I was like, I'm talking like like elementary school, you know. We did, I mean, but my mom was very, I don't know, I she was thrifty. She wasn't cheap, she was thrifty, and she was mindful about it.

SPEAKER_00: 16:04

She moved a little bit there, moved a little bit there, you know, get there, honestly.

SPEAKER_01: 16:08

Yeah, which I which I actually do appreciate, especially because, you know, at school we see all kinds of kids wasting their food, and I don't agree with that. Um, because the flip side, my dad lived out in the country, and just to make try to make a long story short, um so I was born in France, and when I went to visit my dad at the uh this is when I was 14, he was like, Oh, you only get to take showers and eat this, this many times because we don't pollute our oceans like you Californians and all that. So it was a very different lifestyle than what I was accustomed to growing up where I did. And but what it taught me is like in different cultures, different things, and you have respect for that, you have respect for that culture, and it just made me more self-aware about yeah, I want to preserve our oceans and all that stuff. So it gave me a different perspective, I guess what I'm trying to say. Yes, and so back to your single mom thing. My mom taught me all kinds of stuff about the man does this and the girl does, and I will say, my last relationship before my husband, my man was about 10 years younger, and he was like, Damn, you so hard-headed, like you think you're the man in the relationship. And I was like, Well, I've been a single mom my whole life, so I had to be both, you know, and so it was hard for me to let him take the lead because I was a single mom. And I was like, I had to be the mom and the dad for my kids, so right. But now what I have learned, what he meant by that, is like, let me be the man in some moments. Like, you don't have to take on both roles when you have a man in your life that wants to do those things. So it did make me like, okay, you're right. Like, let me let you go ahead and fix this screen. I don't need to do that because I got you. You know what I mean? I'm just using that as an example, but no, it aligns.

SPEAKER_00: 18:16

That's back to what I was saying. Like, if you could go into a relationship and find that man who, you know, wants to be that man in your life, help you elevate. I I would I I hope all of every woman finds that man that they're looking for that helps them, you know, enough to where they want in life, whether it's physically or emotionally. Because a lot of women, you know, crave different things from men and might not be that physical role where he needs to come in and you know be that masculine. He might need to come in and just listen to her, have her, you know, have her point of view, you know.

SPEAKER_01: 18:52

So do you think that you had a good role model? Uh this getting kind of personal. So if I'm overstepping, let me know. But do you feel like being raised by a single mom, you did get to see um having that self-assurance, like she didn't let people take advantage? Or did you see a little bit of both?

SPEAKER_00: 19:15

Or so to be completely honest, no. Uh my mom was a very docile, sweet woman. And it was very hard for her to connect with the men in her life because she's a very loving woman. But I can tell over the years, men have tainted her ways and her mind to think different things. My mom has been very loving, but it's just that she at one point, as most young people didn't know what they want at certain things, you know, especially when everyone in your life is playing with your love. And it's like, okay, so should I go venture out to different things and different stuff? And that's what she did. And she told me from her own mouth that it didn't hurt anybody but her.

SPEAKER_01: 20:13

That's good. She recognized that and shared that with you. I mean, especially if you're a young mom, you know, that's the other thing, right? Is like if you're a young mom and these things happen, it does shape you because the 24-year-old mom versus the mom I am today is and the woman I am today completely different. And I'm thankful to Travis, who is one of my listeners, who told me those things, like, you gotta let the man be the man. And I was like, okay, I'm sorry. It's just I had to be both roles for so long. It's hard to like turn your brain off and go, you know what, you're right. You could do, but because of it, it did make me. I mean, it was a survival mode for me. Like I had to, I was the one that had to teach my son how to play football and all those things because his dad didn't really do that stuff.

SPEAKER_00: 21:05

So see, and then sometimes it's a difference when so it was a difference in my household. I completely gave up on a lot of the stuff that I did wanted to do to help take care of my mom. She battled with me. She she did, she battled with me. She wasn't an easy thing, trust me. It was not an easy thing to just try to do. She wanted me to focus more on school and stuff like that. But it's really hard to focus on a lot of stuff when you see the woman that you admire most in life struggling.

SPEAKER_01: 21:37

Struggling, yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 21:38

And I feel like this is why a lot of men don't have either love for their moms or the women in their lives because I'm new to Cali guys. Uh um, I'm from North Carolina, and as I've hearing a lot of women's backstories from here, you guys deal with a lot of just disrespectful, I don't know what to even call some of these men. I I want to say a word, but I don't know what type of group. It's okay. These men, I feel like a lot of these men do not love you guys. And a lot of these men are looking for handouts and looking for you to elevate them somewhere that they should have been themselves as a man, period. Yeah, I agree. Facts. And you guys, I and too, I feel like you guys are taking on a lot of mama roles with these grown-ass men. You guys are not here to play mom. Like you're not here to play therapists and stuff like that. Next time a man comes to you, let that man come healed. You know, if he says he has these problems, go deal with them and then come back and let that man come deal with you. Because I promise you, me going in hurts to relationships with other females only projected things of my past, and it's not a good thing. Ladies and gentlemen, please heal yourselves too before you go into these relationships and get into serious with somebody because you never know what stuff that you still have built up for trauma. And this was my mom. It's like she couldn't deal with a lot of the men she wanted to deal with because she had so much trauma from my stepdad, my real dad, and other men that was all through my life. And as a man, coming from a boy at that time, it was very hard to deal with that because as a boy, I couldn't protect my mom like I wanted to until I got to a certain point of figure or stature as a man, or as I thought I was a man, but I was a little boy, a teenage boy, just wanting to see his mom loved properly, and for her to stop struggling and stuff like that. And I accomplished them goals, and she just she does not struggle at this moment. She has not found love yet, so it does take care. My mom is 58 this year, and she's dealt with she's dealt with um few men over the years. So just to let y'all know, it's not an age thing, and it's not an age thing. These men right now are still immature, even in their 40s, 50s, and 60s.

SPEAKER_01: 24:31

I can't believe your mom your mom and I could hang out and have drinks and share stories. That's crazy.

SPEAKER_00: 24:38

I hear them all, and I tell you I preach to my mom all the time, and this is why she's she's such an outstanding woman right now. She's full of love and she loves herself. And I have to remind her of this all the time, and not that she already had it in her. I just have to reassure her that you are the woman that you are, and this is who you are, and don't forget that. This is what you came into feeling like. I know who the woman you were, and I know the woman you are now. Two condition people, people, but you learn to balance to mix those things.

SPEAKER_01: 25:11

So funny because my son and daughter tell me the same thing. My son's like, you know, if this relationship doesn't work out, that's okay. And you don't need to bash each other, you just say, hey, you know, we're just on different playing fields, whoop-dee-woop. And, you know, he just breaks it down so systematically. I'm like, how'd you get to be so wise? And then I'm like, there is something about not just that we are as parents, but like I tell my kids all the time, you were supposed to be my son, you were supposed to be my daughter, like there's nobody else that could parent you, or because they teach me things and I teach them things. So I I love that you share that and you have that bond because we really do learn, you know, from each other. It doesn't matter. It age is just a number, you know. Um I could talk about this subject forever, but I want to make sure that we uh stay in our timeline and also that I give thanks to my subscribers. Well, we might have to do a part two, y'all. He might have to come back and and uh share other experiences.

SPEAKER_00: 26:23

Leave that up to your viewers and your commentaries. If, hey, please give her some feedback in the comments. Let me know, like if anything I said, you know, didn't sit right with you or if it resonated, you know, just please let us know something, you know.

SPEAKER_01: 26:38

Absolutely. I always invite my listeners to share your feedback and you know, your experiences, like like he said, if this resonated with you, or if you have a different opinion, your comments, your feedback helps us be better and honestly and be able to be able to just share our knowledge. Knowledge is power, and I love that at such a young age you learned so much from your moms, and it breaks my heart when I hear sons talking about their moms and their experiences. Um yeah, because you know what my counselor told me, you can end up exactly like your parent or the exact opposite. And mom, while I love you, praise you, my mom was tough as nails, and she was the opposite in me as far as well. Basically, a lot of the even though she was tough on me, she was a good role model in that she taught me what I did and didn't want. Like I wanted a more nurturing mom, and she wasn't that, but that's what made me who I am, which I appreciate. But what I drew from her is her strength, her strength to go on, her perseverance, her don't take no shit attitude about certain things. You go to work as much as you can, always be learning, always be growing. So I took like the good and the bad, and I feel like you weigh out your pros and your cons. Exactly, exactly. Um so I love that you drew so much knowledge from her experiences, and it made you more self-aware of this is the kind of partner I want to be and what I'm looking for, and yeah, for all of us to have a voice because our voice matters, you know. And we and we do have to value ourselves, and you're right, these men in California could learn from you guys.

SPEAKER_00: 28:54

Learn from us country boys. I'm from North Carolina, guys. Go down there, go find you a country boy, and I promise you, you probably won't go wrong.

SPEAKER_01: 29:03

It's so true, it's so true. I always know when I'm talking to somebody from another state, I'm like, oh, you're not from around here, are you? Uh and it's a compliment. It's a compliment to you for sure. Um okay. Well, I want to make sure that I thank all of my loyal listeners and subscribers. Thank you for your insight. I really appreciate it. Um, shout out to Lisa Roberts Curbello. Thank you for being a loyal subscriber to me. And I'm glad to hear you had a wonderful birthday. Thank you so much. Shout out to Kara at lovemyartist.etsy.com. I'm always bragging to you guys about this multi talented woman, and you can find her link on my page. It's always in the podcast description. Thank you to Mike Kaufman for being a loyal subscriber, not necessarily a loyal listener or comment. But you know, that's okay. That's okay. Um I know he listens, he just doesn't always have feedback to share or comments. Thank you to Jeff Potter, Namaste. You would be happy to know that I am following your words of advice. So thank you to you, Jeff. And shout out to Roger. Um, haven't seen you in a while. Hope to bump into you on the dance floor in the near future. And of course, Angie Germer of Thrive and Laval. If you are looking to lose weight or just gain energy, uh she provides uh supplements that fill the nutritional gaps in your life. And I think I covered everyone. Oh, Dr. Kyle. Let me not forget Dr. Kyle. Phew, he's not really a doctor. I just joke and say that because he is the know-all, be all. He is my guru that I go to for all kinds of advice. And he's written an amazing book, Commitment to Love. Love is a Verb. It's available on Audible via Amazon. Usually check it out. And thank you for being a guest on my show. I hope that you will come back and we can talk about this subject.

SPEAKER_00: 31:21

And I would love to be back. It's nice. Thank you for having me on your platform.

SPEAKER_01: 31:25

Yeah, thank you. Thank you so much. Remember to like, comment, subscribe. It helps the algorithm. And as he mentioned, we need to hear your feedback so we know what you want to hear, what you don't want to hear, or if you have any stories you want to share, we would love to address those. Thank you so much for tuning in and listening. And as I always say at the end of my podcast, ciao for now. Ciao ciao.