Navigating Relationship Struggles: When Love Gets Complicated

Today's episode delves into the challenging reality of navigating a marriage when the relationship dynamic has dramatically changed after the wedding, featuring personal reflections on communication breakdowns and unmatched efforts toward improvement.

• Host shares her experience discovering her husband is on the spectrum after marriage
• Discussion about masking behaviors that hide true compatibility issues until after commitment
• Exploration of what to do when only one partner is implementing therapy strategies
• Personal struggle with balancing marriage vows against one-sided relationship efforts
• Question posed to listeners: how to navigate when hopeful moments are followed by disappointment
• Self-care strategies shared including exercise, reading self-help books, and gratitude practice
• Raw vulnerability about reaching a crossroads in a relationship that has fundamentally changed

Please remember to like, comment, and share this podcast with others who might benefit from this conversation. Your engagement helps the podcast reach more people and supports the growth of our community.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to Elkivate Your Life
• 4:27 Relationship Struggles and Communication Breakdown
• 9:18 Masking Behaviors and Changing Dynamics
• 17:12 Seeking Solutions Beyond Divorce
• 22:48 Personal Wellness Strategies
• 27:15 Listener Appreciation and Show Closing

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Oh, in case y'all didn't hear that, bow chicka, wow, wow, what's up? Party people, welcome to another episode of Elkivate your Life. I am your hostess, with the mostess L as in the letter L and key as in the key to your heart. Let's get into it. So thank you all for tuning in to another episode. What are we on?

Speaker 1: 0:37

Wednesday, september 3rd, wellness Wednesday. Thank you all for being here. Let me switch glasses. I had my at-home glasses on, because my other ones are here on my dress, because I may or may have not spilled a little something, something on my dress today. I mean, come on y'all. The thing is remember, during the day I work as a special education aide and there's always stuff happening. It's always a party, non-stop excitement, if you know what I mean. Anyway, let's get into it. We're talking about Wisdom, wellness Wednesday.

Speaker 1: 1:31

And okay, where do I begin? First off, I want to thank you for tuning in and listening to Mindful Mondays. I know that was a heavy one and I didn't mean for it to go left like that, but sometimes it can be cathartic to talk about. You know, I started out with the topic of talking about relationships and how fun and exciting they are to start out and get into. But what happens when you're in the relationship and things start to shift and you notice that it's not 50-50. Maybe it's 60-40. Maybe it's 70-30. Maybe it's 80-20, 90-10. You get what I'm saying, right? You're picking up what I'm putting down, okay? So my little hostess with the mostess over here is chilling next to me. Too bad you can't see her, but anyway she's a happy camper. Maybe at some point she'll get up, but hopefully not to bark at anybody going by. We're in the guest studio once again because it's hot as H-E double hockey sticks. I think that's the saying I was looking for the other day.

Speaker 1: 3:02

Anyway, I didn't mean to go off on a tangent about what I did, which basically I ended up talking about my relationship, and I'm not the only one that's going through it. When I brought it up, I was talking to some of my people out there, my listeners, who also have their own relationship struggles, and we often have the opportunity to share with one another. Excuse me, I gotta take a drink, I'm so thirsty. Sorry, hopefully you didn't hear all that slurping. Anyway, I didn't mean for it to go down the personal rabbit hole, but sometimes it can be cathartic to talk about, you know, as women men, if you don't know this as women, we vent. You men use logic and or just what can I do to fix it? And we women sometimes we just need to talk about it and then we're like, oh my God, I feel 10 pounds lighter because we got to talk about it. I feel 10 pounds lighter because we got to talk about it.

Speaker 1: 4:38

So I wanted to come back to that because I wanted to explain my part in the questions and that is, as all of you know, or my listeners know, I should say you know, I work as a special education para educator at a middle school and, unbeknownst to me, I married somebody on the spectrum who has. You know, we all have stuff in life, right, we all have quirks, idiosyncrasies, conditions, whatever, a past trauma. We all have things and I did not know all of the things that I was signing up for and when I did find out, obviously I've been supportive and encouraging and done my best to educate myself about these things, not just on the spectrum, but the other things that I found out later, after the documents were signed, after we were married. So the reason I'm bringing this to your attention and the reason I was reaching out to you, my listeners, my audience, is because in relationships, we go together, grow together, and sometimes we come to a crossroads where we don't know if we are supposed to part ways or continue to go on that path together or continue to go on that path together. And so I have been reaching out to you because I'm really this is uncharted territory and I'm trying to figure out how to navigate through it. Now, keep in mind I am in counseling. I have been in therapy for a long time because I have my own stuff. I have my own traumas.

Speaker 1: 6:48

I grew up in an abusive household and I've't blame her. God rest her soul. I don't blame her. But because of all those things, I saw patterns that occurred later in life, because sometimes, being the person on the other end of the abuser, being the person on the other end of the abuser, we do things that are familiar to us, even though we don't like it, even though we don't want it, it's familiar. So we have trained ourself to accept those things, if you will, for lack of a better term. And so, in our case, my husband well, he didn't have a special ed para educator for one thing, so he had to learn how to navigate through his differences on his own. And so, for those of you that aren't familiar with being on the spectrum or having mental illness or conditions, or you know various different things, we learn how to mask those things that happen in our household that affect us, or we learn how to mask to seem to fit in better. And that's what happens a lot of the time with people that are on the spectrum. If they don't have the support system in the school, in the home, friends, family, etc. Then they end up learning how to mask these behaviors to appear to be more relatable, more acceptable, and so hopefully you're picking up what I'm putting down.

Speaker 1: 9:24

Ladies and gents. So what I'm trying to say is, in the beginning stages, life was grand, love was grand, he was very sweet and chivalrous and loving and kind, and not to say that he is not that person anymore, but to clarify, when we have deeply rooted things that have transpired within our lifetime to where now I'm 57, he's 62, there's a lot of stuff that we bring with us right too, there's a lot of stuff that we bring with us right, and if you don't heal those wounds, that inner child of the past, then you bring those into your adult life, your relationships, your friendships and how. So I was asking you as my audience, as my listeners, like, how do you navigate through that when everything was grand? And then, in the beginning, and all of you long-term married, like, oh, of course it's in. You know, in the beginning it's grand because it's a honeymoon stage, yada, yada. And what I would like to personally share is neither one of us knew about these things that have come out after the ink dried and so he's gone to therapy, counseling. We've been in premarital marital counseling. He's been in anger management, you name it, anger management, you name it.

Speaker 1: 11:30

And so my question to all of you happily married couples, long-term relationshipers, experts is how do you navigate when you are at a point where you can't even communicate with one another? You can't even communicate with one another. How do you move forward? Because I'm in therapy, I have a therapist who gives me guidance and suggestions and tools and approaches, and I do all of those things. What do you do when the person on the receiving end is not helping to implement the tools, the strategies? What do you do? That was my question to all of you, because I took a vow. I took a vow. So what am I going to just be like? Just kidding, I didn't mean it and I didn't know. I signed up for this, so deuces, no. So the question is, how do you navigate through that? Well, we've been in premarital counseling, marriage counseling. We've been in counseling together separately. I've read books.

Speaker 1: 13:06

So, while I feel that I am taking the necessary steps, I'm noticing the dynamics have changed of how we communicate with one another and how we relate to one another, and I'm just like I'm at a loss. I'm really at a loss, and that's, you know, why I ended up sharing what I shared. It wasn't to throw them under the bus. I started out with talking about not just myself, but others I know that are in challenging relationships such as this, where the dynamics are very tricky and it doesn't matter how we tiptoe around the conversation. It's not received. Well, we deal with gaslighting. We're speaking about our feelings at the wrong time, not now. I'm relaxing. Now is not the right time to talk about this. I don't want to talk about it.

Speaker 1: 14:06

So I had a genuine question to all of you, which was what do you do when you're checking all your boxes of all the things that you're being taught, told, shared listen to. You're listening to the audio, the audibles. You're listening to your therapist. You're applying the strategies. You're. What do you do when the other person is not receptive? But they say they're willing. They say they're willing and you see a glimmer of hope for a little bit, and then it goes back. Do you say to yourself well, you know, they're this age, so you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Well, is that really true? Because I'm an older dog, I'm 57 and I'm still learning new strategies? I'll give you a perfect example.

Speaker 1: 15:16

My mom was a yeller. She was, like I said, physically, verbally, mentally, you name it. I endured it and when I first became a mom with my son, I became that mom. I was impatient. I was a yeller. I did not handle things well. I took a parenting class to help me learn how to extend my wick and be more patient and understanding. And then I got better when I had my second child. My daughter and my 31-year-old son will tell you himself like you are getting the best version of my mom because she was not this loving, this patient, listening, this I mean.

Speaker 1: 16:14

I couldn't handle constructive criticism. Nobody could tell me how to be a good mom, a good worker, a good girlfriend? None of that. And now when people give me feedback that's not always the nicest, but it's meant to be constructive then I say, oh, thank you for sharing that. I will work on that. Thank you for bringing that to my attention. I'll be better.

Speaker 1: 16:46

So what I'm asking you is sorry, I gotta get some water. What I'm asking you out there is what do you do? I've gone up to pastors at the churches like pray over us. They've prayed over us. We've had conversations of we're here for it, we're going to try, we're going to be better. I'm doing my best, like we've had conversations of we're here for it, we're going to try, we're going to be better. I'm doing my best, like we've had all the conversations. So I really don't mean to get this raw and vulnerable, but I'm coming to because I don't know what else to do.

Speaker 1: 17:43

I didn't sign up to get married to get divorced, do I? Didn't sign up to get married to get divorced? I also know I have enough sense to know I can't be the one putting in all the work. So I'm wondering to all of my lovely listeners out there if you've ever been in this situation and if you have any insight or a different perspective. Man or a woman doesn't matter. What is your suggestion or idea, because I'm all out Other than separate divorce. Let's try again.

Speaker 1: 18:47

It's very defeating when you love someone and you feel like, well, they keep giving me hope, they keep saying they want to be here and they want to try and they want to be better, and you believe them. In those moments, at what point do you become a fool for believing? So I guess that's my wisdom. Wellness Wednesday not is how do you go from happy, healthy relationship to dysfunctional relationship, to back on track happy, healthy relationship, back on track, happy, healthy relationship? I've been reading and watching and listening to all of these experts that are talking about you simply say like this is an unhealthy relationship and I am not doing this anymore.

Speaker 1: 19:43

Well, I can tell you, I've said that and I'm sorry if this sounds like a venting session, I don't mean for it to. It's just been heavy on my heart and and I want to make sure that I make the right decision, because it's a permanent decision, it's not a temporary one, and I want to make sure I make the best decision for myself and for him, and I also have friends, listeners, that are in a similar situation grew up in an abusive household. The thing is, I didn't even do this because it was familiar, because when I got into it, none of this was happening. I had a very different person that became very good at masking because he had to do it for 60 years, and so now I'm trying to figure out Is this the new normal? Was that previous time the new normal? Was that previous time the old normal? Was that just masking in the making? So I apologize that I'm honestly at my wits end, at the end of my rope, and I'm just trying to figure out how to navigate this, and I'm just trying to figure out.

Speaker 1: 21:50

So I'm hoping that all of you have answers, ideas, solutions, anecdotes, books, videos, audibles. I'm sorry to be such a blubbering mess today and talk about a sad topic, because I really am here to elevate your life and I want to be able to do that and I want to show up for you guys and be the best version of myself. But I also needed to come on here and be honest and raw and real with you on Monday and today. I promise my next episode will not be this. Okay, I swear, but I would love to hear your feedback, advice, suggestions, ideas, anecdotes, whatever.

Speaker 1: 23:05

Whatever you have Wisdom Wellness Wednesday, I will tell you what I'm doing to keep my mental health in check and be the best version that I can be. I'm reading some self-help books. I'm going to the gym every other day, which I need to get to. After this, I take my dog on walks. I love on her. She is my sanctuary, my co-host, chanel. I do my best to think happy, positive thoughts and, as my dear friend Brett says, don't look at the cup half full or half empty. Be grateful to have a cup and I'm grateful to have a cup. Thank you to all of my loyal listeners, sponsors, subscribers. I want to give a huge shout out Kyle Few, commitment to love. Love is a verb. I know you're going to have some advice for me. I'm not sure if it's going to be something that can be implemented or followed, but I'm here for it.

Speaker 1: 24:38

Jeff Pata Namaste, I'm trying not to ugly cry. This is the first time I've allowed myself to really feel and cry about this, so thank you for being a part of it. So, caralovemyartistedccom, thank you. Thank you for your loyal subscription to me and showing up for me and listening and commenting and always giving helpful feedback. I appreciate that, jeff. I need that from you. Learn how to comment, like and share. It's available in the apps. You just have to read where it says text in or it gives you some kind of prompt like text. Roger, roger, thank you. Thank you for being a loyal listener and a loyal friend. I'm sorry we missed you this last weekend. It would have been great to see you. You know, I thought the party we were at was literally like around the corner, but then I realized it had been so long since we had gone there that it was down the street and around the corner and we took an Uber or a Lyft. So I'm sorry, I'm sorry that we missed you when you were so close and in town.

Speaker 1: 26:06

Angie Germer, thrive Lavelle, if you are looking to be healthier, more fit, more energized, lose weight or just be healthier, her link can be found in my podcast, same with Kara Lovemyartistetsycom. So let me go back to Kara for a minute. She has an array, just a variety of things on her page Music, artwork, paintings, poems. She has this video montage that has been super popular and so cute. She has a birthday one, an anniversary one, a proposal one. I want you to be my maid of honor, best man, whatever, whatever. And she's always running specials and sales and deals. So make sure hashtag Elkivate so she knows that you heard of it from me, angie, as I was telling you, thrive Lavelle their products. They basically fill the nutritional gaps, so they help you if you don't get enough sleep or if you're eating too much or if you're craving sugar or you have poor gut health, et cetera. All these links you can find in my podcast.

Speaker 1: 27:37

And, Mike Kaufman, thanks for being a loyal subscriber, although I know you hate me for doing these last two podcasts, but it's been kind of cathartic for me and, quite honestly, it's been on my heart and I wanted to be honest with everyone and let them know what's happening in my life. Our old roommate, donald, used to always say this too shall pass, so that's kind of what I've been telling myself. Anyway, thank you all for tuning in, for watching, for listening. Please, please, please, remember to like the podcast. I can't tell you how many times I've gone on there and I've seen tons of views and like one or two likes. And then I follow up with my people and they're like oh my God, yeah, I listened to it.

Speaker 1: 28:42

I forgot to like it, I'm sorry. Or I commented, but I forgot to like and share. If you like, comment and share, it helps the algorithm, so it helps me to get my name and my podcast out there. I would also love to hear from you and my audience as far as if you have ideas and suggestions on topics and, kyle, I know you've given me a couple and I haven't gotten to them yet and I apologize for that. I'm kind of keeping them in my back pocket for when I'm ready to delve into those topics. I really want to read more about it, educate myself more about it before I speak on it. So thank you. So I think that's it educate myself more about it before I speak on it. So thank you. I think that's it, everyone, thank you. Thank you for tuning in, thank you for watching, thank you for listening. Please, please, remember to like, comment, share with somebody else that could possibly benefit from this, and thank you all for tuning in. Thank you all for watching. Ciao, for now.