Elkevate Your Life
Welcome to Elkevate, the podcast where real talk meets heartfelt advice. I'm Elke, often called "Mama Elke" by those around me. With years of experience lending a listening ear to friends, family, and even complete strangers, I’ve created a space where you can find comfort and wisdom.
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Elkevate Your Life
Masculine Frame and Modern Romance: Finding Balance in Modern Dating
Special Male Guest Tommy Anthony joins us for a candid conversation about modern dating from a male perspective, exploring intentional connections in a swipe-right culture and the importance of maintaining one's authentic self while searching for a partner.
• Discuss dating apps and how the modern "swipe culture" discourages meaningful investment in relationships
• Explore the concept of "masculine frame" - staying on purpose and being complete without needing a partner
• Compare intentional dating versus serial dating and how to set healthy boundaries
• Share experiences with learning from failed relationships and recognizing patterns
• Discuss the importance of asking meaningful questions when getting to know potential partners
• Examine how society has created challenging dating dynamics for both men and women
• Consider how love languages evolve as we mature and gain self-awareness
• Emphasize the value of authenticity and honesty in building lasting connections
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Bow, chicka-wow-wow. What's up? Party people, thank you for tuning in to another episode of Elkivate your Life. I am your hostess, with the mostess L as in the letter L and key as in the key to your heart. Key as in the key to your heart. Well, today is our Mindful Monday, august 4th, and I'm happy to announce and introduce a special guest, tommy Anthony. Tommy, thank you so much for being here.
Speaker 2:Thank you for having me, Tommy.
Speaker 1:thank you so much for being here. Thank you for having me Very excited to have you here. So, as you know, we've been talking about dating the good, bad and the ugly when it comes to dating, dating apps, dating experiences and I am so glad you're here because I've been wanting to have a male perspective on a lot of these questions and comments.
Speaker 2:Yeah, uh, so I think I qualify.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, well, you're single right and you're like traveling all the time and meeting people.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so having fun.
Speaker 1:That's good. That's good. That's what it's all about. Are you on any of the dating sites?
Speaker 2:I am. I'm on Facebook dating, Tinder and match.
Speaker 1:Okay, what do you think about Facebook? I used to be on it a long time ago. What has your experience been?
Speaker 2:I think it was better before than it is now. Oh, really Okay, especially now that they have that, it seems like more of the activities is on the friends. You get friends that want to connect with you. Oh, that's interesting.
Speaker 2:But if you try that and you connect with these people as friends, like you accept a friendship from them, you don't ever see them again. So it's kind of odd, like you friended somebody but then now what? Because you can't see them, they can't see. Well, I don't know if they can see you, but I can't see the people that I friended.
Speaker 1:Okay, that's interesting.
Speaker 2:can't see the people that I friended, okay, which means I was yeah, so it's kind of weird, but so I I use Facebook dating the least.
Speaker 1:Okay, well, it's interesting that you're saying that, because I have to tell you when I did it we're talking like when it first came out, I want to say like 20 years ago or something like that. Um, the reason I want to say it's interesting is because my online dating experience was this was through Yahoo, dating, zoosk and Facebook, like all the things that you know on Facebook started becoming popular, yeah, and my experience was the same thing Like meet the people, talk to them, say hello, whatever, and then I either we didn't connect, they didn't show up. It was like all these online chat and then when it came down to the date, where are you? Where did they go?
Speaker 2:So you're saying the date never happened?
Speaker 1:Yeah, they ghosted it. Yeah, they would ghost me.
Speaker 2:Yes, and you would be stood up at the date.
Speaker 1:Yes, I would be stood up at the date or when it came down to the wire of okay, we're going to meet.
Speaker 2:Last minute, yes, last minute bailout.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:I think that a lot of that still happens. I haven't had that experience. Well, good for you.
Speaker 1:Good on, you bad on me no, no.
Speaker 2:But at the same time I think I'm uber selective Almost picky, that's good. Just because I've had the experience I've had that I don't want to waste any time. Right, certainly my own, but also theirs, yes, so I'm very intentful in my dating experience. Okay, and if someone doesn't even nearly sound like they're even in the head space or the heart space to be in 10-fall, I graciously just bow out.
Speaker 1:Good for you, that is so important.
Speaker 2:That's a boundary of mine that I've set for myself.
Speaker 1:Yes, that's so good to hear Because if you heard my episode that I did with Sarah recently, she was talking about their. You know we were talking about serial dating and intentional dating.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And there's definitely the serial daters out there where it's like I don't want to be on that list. You know, we I mean, unless that's your intention is just to go on dates.
Speaker 2:So certainly there's the polarization of people that are just there for hookups, right? Yes, that's where the notoriety of Tinder came on, and now I guess there's other sites of people that are just there for hookups, right?
Speaker 2:Yes, of course, that's where the notoriety of Tinder came on, and now I guess there's other sites that are even more raunchier and more predispositions for that that I don't want nothing to do with, but I think, though you know, people tend to be people that tend to say they're getting tentful sometimes, settle for this right now and vice versa. Some people who are just in it for the fun serial dating. All of a sudden they meet somebody and their head over heels gaga.
Speaker 1:Yes, that's true.
Speaker 2:You can go into whatever position you want, but the heart's going to want what the heart is going to want.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, I agree.
Speaker 2:Now that's part of the challenge is the heart doesn't care about your history, your past, your unhealed wounds, your blah, blah, blah. It doesn't care. The heart is carnal, right and it's pure. It only sees what it sees and it feels what it feels. And then we have to navigate all that.
Speaker 1:Right. No, you're so right. Well, it sounds like you have been. Well, you have taken the time to think about what you want and don't want as far as in a partner and dating, unlike some of the men that have been commenting on the pods, which I'll get into in a minute.
Speaker 2:I want to believe it's because I'm just very insightful and everything, and then I have it all together. But no, this is all born out of pain. This is all born out of unmet expectations and failed relationships. So I'm a product of that pain, but I'm choosing to not let that pain dictate my future experience. Every failed relationship is a learning experience, if I heed the lesson yes, if I heed the lesson.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:And sometimes God, the universe, says you haven't learned the lesson, so I'm going to put it in front of you one more time. So true. And that was my last experience where the situationship that I thought I was healed from the challenges and experiences from my breakup of my relationship of almost five years prior to that, you know, and I walked into it feeling good, meaning I wasn't looking for anything, it was a chance meeting, it felt good, it felt great. Okay.
Speaker 2:But then I started to treat her in a manner that seemed like I was displaying the same things in my last relationship. Okay. And it would have never worked.
Speaker 1:I think, well, kudos to you for saying it's a learning lesson. Because I talk to so many people, I mean, I'm guilty of it as well, which is why I try to be very introspective and, you know, always looking inward as to like what you said. What is the lesson here? And let's be honest, tommy, how many people do we know that? Do that? You are probably one of the few men that I've heard say I look to what the lesson is. A lot of people are just like oh, wrong person, wrong time. Moving on, let's go on another date.
Speaker 2:Well, it's that swipe culture, hookup culture it is, and that's the challenge. Right when we were growing up you liked the girl. You probably watched them from at school for like six months to a year before you garnered any yes, you know any moxie or confidence to even say hi yeah right so it was a big deal back then.
Speaker 2:Yes, now it's like I know next I know, and, and even when you're in a relationship, when your mate is pissing you off, it's so easy to just get back on the site and let me just see who was looking at me while I put my account on hold.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and let me just see what's out there now.
Speaker 2:Sad but true, let me look for validation elsewhere, because I'm not getting where I have it right now. Let me look for validation elsewhere, because I'm not getting where I have it right now, and it's a sad thing because nobody wants to put in any work anymore, right? Nobody wants to invest.
Speaker 1:You're right. You're absolutely right. That's such a key phrase right there saying to invest. Because I am of the growth mindset and I know a lot of people that have a fixed mindset where it's one and done, or it's their fault, not my fault, or just unwilling to look at the whole experience and think about. You know, what was my contribution to the relationship? Where could I be better? What could I do differently next time? And you're absolutely right, because of the world we're living in today, the modern technology, the swipe, like you said. In technology, the swipe, like you said, you know, just being able to swipe right or swipe left, depending on what it is. What is your goal? What are you trying to do? It's so easy not to look inwardly and go hmm, maybe I'm responsible for something that went wrong here. Well, we always are.
Speaker 2:It always takes two to tango. Now that percentage is never 50-50 necessarily. Sometimes it's 80-20 and sometimes it's 70-30. The other way. Right. At any given time, right? Yes, I think the challenge is that we don't want to invest, because here's the harsh reality, hucky, I believe Everybody has pain.
Speaker 1:Yes. Especially at our age.
Speaker 2:Everybody has pain, everybody has trauma. Everybody's been hurt multiple times One, two, three divorces, multiple children, baby mamas, I mean it's. You know, if I was a kid coming out right now you know 16, trying to figure out dating, I'd be scared to death. Oh, absolutely I'd be scared to death.
Speaker 1:Same here. Yes, I couldn't agree more.
Speaker 2:And so when I talk to my young males either my nephews or friends, sons I have very poignant conversations with them about being a man and staying within your masculine frame, or even knowing what the hell a masculine frame is.
Speaker 1:Well share. What is a masculine frame? What does that mean?
Speaker 2:I mean, you know there's probably more textbook ways of looking at it and you'll have, you know, 10 different definitions for the same thing, but I'm a Christian so I'll put it into that vein. Is that? You know, God made man a particular way for a reason. I agree with that that role of a man, or a godly man, let's say, is the protector, the provider, the stability maker and leads Men either aid, and I'm being general right.
Speaker 2:Yes, of course I'm'm in general I have a lot of great friends that are think just like I do, because we're like-minded, right. But I think men in general and you can swipe it from 18 all the way to 90 for that matter is that, um, you know they don't want to do that work Right. You're right.
Speaker 2:They, you know, and you know what it's interesting stuff I find. I see you know where they say. You know you have the men that are now the blue pill people that are like F women. I don't need them. I can you know I'm fine by myself. And then you have the women, which is the hypergamy, which says you know everything's about me. Men are just a dime a dozen. I can get any one of my, and guess what? You're both right.
Speaker 1:I agree.
Speaker 2:You're both right. Yes, because if that's the reality you're going to prescribe to and live in, that's going to be your world.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Right, mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:Right. And so for a man the masculinity is. And, by the way, doing things this way or coming from that mindset and frame is not easy, because it totally goes against what society really says you should be doing yes, well, that's why I wanted you to explain your terminology. So let me give you.
Speaker 2:So give me, I'll give you my Tommy-ism on it. Okay, okay, yes, me holding my masculine frame means that I remain on my purpose. Okay, I do what I'm here to do, what God has put in me to do. That means I'm taking care of my emotional health, I'm taking care of my spirituality and my faith, I'm being good to myself, I'm exercising, I'm minding my work, I'm doing the best, I'm being indispensable at work, or I'm building a business, whatever those things are. It's all about and we'll use your namesake elevating. Yes, it's about growing. Right.
Speaker 2:And when you grow, your self-confidence goes through the roof.
Speaker 1:I agree.
Speaker 2:And self-confidence in men and women is so damn attractive, and it doesn't even matter what you look like sometimes.
Speaker 1:I agree, that's true.
Speaker 2:Like, have you ever been somewhere and let's say from a woman's perspective when you were single and you were just, you know, at a bar or at a restaurant with some girlfriends and a man walks in and let's just say he's a seven, so not a bad looking guy, but you know, you see sevens all the time, but there's something about them that just stops you in your tracks. That's what I'm talking about, right, and it cues something in women where they want to say, huh, that's different. And with women and again, I'm just speaking generalizations and I'm speaking from my own.
Speaker 1:So if anybody wants to disagree, it's okay, right. No, I think, I think you're on a roll, but it's, it's, it's a, it's a.
Speaker 2:So I've learned, and I'm learning, that to make it an impact on a woman, regardless if it's a, a intentful romantic impact or or impression or just a friendly vibe or even a business type of arrangement, it's important to. How should I put it? When I hold my frame, what it says to a woman is that my life is complete.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:I don't need you to make my life better.
Speaker 1:Right, we're not doing the Jerry Maguire, right? You don't complete anybody. I need you to complete me. No, and it's never.
Speaker 2:And you know what A relationship that's 50-50 never works because someone's always going to be lacking. You both got to be a hundred because that sometimes someone's going to be 80 and they're going to have to borrow a 20% from you.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So it's 200-200. It's 100-100. That's the way it's got to be so. So what I've learned and I'm learning is that I mean, I'm a sales guy at heart. I've been in my career longer than I'd like to admit, right, so I've learned how to build rapport with people, instantly get to the heart of the matter, read people. All that stuff.
Speaker 2:So it was an advantage for me, but none of that matters, because I can talk till I'm blue, I can say, and I can agree with them and we can be laughing and oh yeah, I like that too. And that is the trap that most men do is that they just placate themselves to a woman.
Speaker 2:Yes, and guess what? The woman doesn't care that you like what she likes. She wants to know what the hell you like and she wants. She's trying to figure out do I like what he likes? Do I want to be involved in his world? Right, Because if he's trying to fit himself into my world, my world's chaos, Mm-hmm. And there's a weird thing that happens in your psyche If a man and I know this is going to sound backwards, right, and I think a lot of women and men, so I'm going to use this on both sides is that we tend to glamorize the moment, right?
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:And we let emotions run and your endorphins are running, true, and you get the little right, yes, and we let emotions run and your endorphins are running. True, and you get the little butterflies. Yes, your heart's going a little pitter-patter, right. And great. You're a human being, you're alive. That's a beautiful feeling. Yes, those body emotions are there for a reason, right? It's telling you something. The question is, what is it telling you, right? What is your intuition telling you about what those feelings are? And no one really sits in them either, I know.
Speaker 1:I know.
Speaker 2:That's so true. You got to sit in that feeling and go and you actually got to question it Like, hmm, that's interesting. Why is this girl who seemingly to me seems pretty plain, jane, there's just something about her. I got to find out.
Speaker 2:And I think and the reverse is more true for women, I think where men are always trying to impress women. Look at me, peacock pick me. I have money, I have muscles, I have cars. I have a 401k I have, I have. I have money, I have muscles, I have cars, I have a 401k I have, I have, I have. Yeah, but you don't have a wife because she divorced you and took half your shit, right?
Speaker 1:Right right.
Speaker 2:Okay. Now, it doesn't mean that he's at fault or she's at fault. I'm just being sarcastic about it.
Speaker 1:I got to chime in on that one because I have to tell you, my dating experiences prior to getting married was just that, and my girls and I, my girlfriends and I talk about that all the time, how we don't want to date somebody. We have no interest in going on a second date when this guy's just like I got a house and I got a Harley and I drive this and I drive that and it's like all these things are great, but how do you know I even care about those things Back in the Great Depression, when women didn't have careers and had the wherewithal to be educated and fend for themselves, which is a double-edged sword.
Speaker 2:So we'll get to that.
Speaker 1:Yes, right.
Speaker 2:That was the checkoff box. Yes, you're right, that was. Can you provide for me? Right, it was. That was the checkoff box. Yes, you're right, that was can you provide for me? Right, all right, can you, can you help us raise children? Right? Can we build? Can we? Can we build a life together?
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:True, I mean back then. I mean I know my parents, my parents had been married for love. My parents were immigrants. They married out of necessity, they were arranged. Oh really, I mean they liked each other, thank God.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:But they were matrimonial.
Speaker 1:I'm always fascinated by that.
Speaker 2:Now, that's an interesting thing because if you look at, you know Southeast or Eastern cultures like Indian culture and others where there are arranged marriages those marriages thrive for some interesting reason.
Speaker 1:Right, right. How does that even happen?
Speaker 2:Well, wait a second, think about it. The people that match made you are the people that know and love you the most.
Speaker 1:Yes, that's true, that's true. So I mean, if you fast forward to today, when we introduce a quality person that we think is going to be a good fit for a quality person, I mean I personally, I have to say, just to put on my resume, I introduced my best friend Brenda to my boyfriend at the time, his best friend Darren, and they ended up getting married, having three kids, and it was all because I knew her.
Speaker 2:When someone comes to me and it doesn't happen often when someone comes to me and says, hey, tom, there's somebody I want you to meet, I actually perk up. I'm like, okay, Now I do ask the question why?
Speaker 1:do you think they're good for me? Yes, yes.
Speaker 2:And of course, that has to have some depth to it, not just oh, she's hot, yeah, you know well. Okay, yeah, so, and then again I think also. So what I was saying earlier is that women these days and it almost doesn't matter what the age is you got to as a man, when you're in your frame, you got to make them feel something. They remember the feeling of something when they met you. Yes, they don't remember what you wore. They don't remember what you drove up in.
Speaker 2:Yes, they don't remember your damn job anymore. You spent half an hour talking about it.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:But they remember how they felt.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Now, that's not easy. So then the question becomes becomes as a man? Do I make her feel something, even though that's not me? Or do. I just be me, and if she feels it, she feels it.
Speaker 1:And if she doesn't, that's okay. Well, I want to go back to something you said about being in your male frame, because this is where you and I have a lot of things in common. Whenever Mr and I have a conversation about something, I do the whole remember. The man's role is to protect, provide, procreate. But you said something else. You threw another one in there.
Speaker 2:I was going with the three. Ps. Well there's, stabilize there's being a rock right, which means it's just your presence. You're not doing anything. Right, just being there. Yes, means the world.
Speaker 3:Yes, right, yeah, sometimes a whole lot is said without doing anything Right, just being there.
Speaker 1:Yes, means the world, yes.
Speaker 2:Right yeah, sometimes a whole lot is said without saying anything. Yeah. It's like Alison Krauss' song we're All Right, right, Right.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, yeah. The other thing that you mentioned that I liked was oh, it's not going to be, you know, 50-50. And it's interesting you're saying that because so I'm in therapy, I'm always working on my mental health, physical health, spiritual, all of that and my therapist would tell me okay, so you know, these are the issues, if you will, or challenges, struggles, however you want to word it. So these are the things you need to work on and you have these with your husband. So are you okay being in a relationship that's 80, 20, 70, 30? And I have to tell you I was like nope, nope, nope. I need my partner, I need us to be equal partners, although I will say, within that conversation and in that therapy session I said I recognize when one person's down Like, okay, I'm having a tough day, I need to cry on his shoulder, I need him to be my rock and he might have to step up to emotionally support me. So that's, in that instance, it's it may not be an equal because I need to lean on him, right.
Speaker 2:Which is what we were talking about.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Right, he's got to garner the extra.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, and the reason I'm bringing this up is on our way to Santa Cruz this weekend, I was freaking out about something in the car I'm sure it wasn't anything major, but it was something and I was getting frustrated.
Speaker 1:And so, as I'm at a 10, I turned and said to him, instead of saying, instead of, giving him instruction yes instead of saying something caring and nurturing, what I said was when I'm up here, I need you to bring me down here. I said I need you as my man and as my husband. I felt like I needed to communicate that to him because it's like we were both just running hot and I was like I need you to balance me out, basically, and in that moment I had to communicate that. And what we found this weekend is when we go to the beach, we're like he goes. I didn't know this was my happy place, like you know that about yourself, because I'm always reading and researching and whatever.
Speaker 1:And what he realized this weekend is the beach is my happy place, where I can center and be retrospective, introspective, sit in my feelings, sit in my thoughts, all the things he doesn't like to do, which I do, but he's learning Because he's a man. Yes, yes.
Speaker 2:Society doesn't want men to be vulnerable. You realize that, right, right, no, it want men to be vulnerable, you realize that Right, right.
Speaker 1:No, it goes back to the whole. Don't cry, you're a man, I'll give you something to cry about.
Speaker 2:Right, yeah, suck it up. Buttercup, right, right. Exactly, that's the male experience. Yes, you know Now the interesting thing is there's women that will say I want a man that's in touch with his feelings. I want a man who's vulnerable. I want a man that can cry Bullshit.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, until they do that, until you do that, and then it's like what are you doing?
Speaker 2:And then you're thinking well, you quit being a little bitch.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, that's so true.
Speaker 2:Now here's the challenge, though you can't tell a man to be a man. Yes, because by a woman telling a man to be a man, that already infers that he's not.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so you think I was wrong to say what I I'm not saying.
Speaker 2:you're wrong because I wasn't there and I wasn't, I didn't hear the the conversation, the underlying conversation, yes.
Speaker 1:Right, I mean, and I wasn't. I didn't hear the underlying conversation.
Speaker 2:Yes, I mean, we all have times where we get frazzled right. Situations happen. We get a phone call, we get a text, something goes off kilter, right, right, right. I think for a man to be in his masculine frame is to say, if I see my woman freaking out or something, okay, the masculine frame is not the white knight, it's not. Let me save my woman from this tyranny from this let me help her with her, because she's let me help her.
Speaker 2:No, no, no. The way to go about it is that my woman is capable. She's a smart woman, she'll figure it out and she knows I got her back for anything she needs to lean on me, for that's the frame. Okay, it's not Bob the Builder and Mr Fix-It all the time.
Speaker 1:Yes, I agree, because what the hell do I?
Speaker 2:know about women's emotions and feelings and stuff.
Speaker 1:Well, I will tell you, since we're talking about this and I brought up this scenario is in the situation he goes. Well, I don't know what to do when you get upset like that. I don't know what to do and I go. Okay, you could ask me.
Speaker 2:Okay, so that was good. Yes, I agree and it was good for him to say I don't know.
Speaker 1:Yes, I agree, I agree.
Speaker 2:You know, I've had a long successful sales career right, and one of the rules that I teach you know, people that were on my team, and especially when they're junior, is hey, dude, don't fake the phone. Yes, If you don't know, just say you don't know. I agree, but what you do say is I will note that and I will come back to you with an answer.
Speaker 1:Yes, See, this is another thing where we have in common, which I didn't even know until today, is that both of us have been in Well.
Speaker 2:We know each other from fun and karaoke and dancing. Yeah, Old school hip hop Right, right and salsa dancing.
Speaker 1:But you just added another layer which is so exciting for me, which is we both have been in like customer service, sales and we have learned how to read people, mirror, match, people understand energy.
Speaker 2:We'd be the best at relationships.
Speaker 1:Yes, exactly, we should have a master class.
Speaker 2:Sometimes I think it's a curse, because I think I have somebody figured out and I was wrong.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. Well, relationships are different than when you're in the business prospect you know, yeah than when you're in the business prospect. You know, yeah, what I will tell you that I feel good about, and what I get some grief from the ladies is I tell them before-.
Speaker 2:You get grief from other ladies?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I get grief from other ladies about like Well. So, fun fact, before Mr and I got into a relationship, I told him I have a 90-day rule and that 90-day rule is basically uh, for us to get to know one another. And it wasn't a steve harvey thing I know about the books, I know about that but it was like if I need 90 days to learn a job, I need 90 days a minimal of 90 days to get to know a person, right, and during that time I don't believe in being intimate with that person. I don't mean a hug or a kiss. That part was okay, but I set the guidelines and my boundaries for myself.
Speaker 2:The guidelines and my boundaries for myself Okay.
Speaker 1:And so when it came to the part where I was like, okay, clearly this guy wants to pursue a relationship with me, I remember the moment, like it was yesterday. We were at Fah's. It was before the crowd came. We were sitting at a table, we were talking about what are you looking for? And I was like, okay, we got to have the conversation. And so what I did is I said, listen, if we are looking to have a relationship which it feels like, that's where this is going, I just want to tell you.
Speaker 1:This is the type of woman that I am and what I'm looking for, and the way I describe it is. I basically put my cards on the table, like I've been married, I'm bait. And in that I said I don't need a man, because I didn't right, I had my own. I had my own, I had already been taking care of my kids. I was taking care of myself. So I said I don't need a man, but I do want a man. And this is who I am and the type of woman I am. And I basically laid out all my cards on the table as far as, like I have kids, I'm looking for someone that's chivalrous I'm looking for. So it's interesting.
Speaker 2:You say that because you know it's all that. I don't need a man, Like songs are written about it now, yes.
Speaker 1:Yes, Like you know?
Speaker 2:and what's the other song I heard the other day? And girls are players too, and all that stuff.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's catchy to dance to, but like, oh my God, what the hell are we talking about, right? Yeah, so I beg to differ. I believe that and you know, forget that, it's biblical at the moment. I just beg to differ Men, a man wants to be with a woman and we'll leave the whole LGBTQ. I don't even know the rest of the vernacular out of it all, Because I'm just generally speaking. Right, A male wants a woman and a woman. Okay, I'll change it. A man needs a woman, yes, and a woman needs a man, yes. Like let's just cut the bullshit yes, Like you know. Like, yeah, you're good at it, Elkie. Yeah, you mastered the. You know it's all up to me and I do it and no one's there to do it, and you figured it out and God bless you for it. You didn't want to do it, no.
Speaker 1:I didn't, you're right.
Speaker 2:And you don't want your daughter to ever go through it. Right, true, right. So we can be as proud as we want over our pain and the things that we've suffered from, but it's not what we want, and I think so many people go into these engagements and getting known to somebody with that attitude, and then that's where the game playing starts. Right, that's the. Oh yeah, he texted me. I'm not going to respond until tomorrow.
Speaker 1:Right, right. Oh, my God, I know, I know I struggle with those rules. I don't want him to think that.
Speaker 2:I like him that much. And the guy's like yeah, man, I don't want to respond so thirsty because you know, she's got to know that I got other girls that I'm talking to also, oh my. God, you don't got to say it no-transcript.
Speaker 1:God bless her unique. She's married to the man that she gave the list to, but she was like, oh, I told him you got to do my nails, like she was very specific and I was like, oh, wow, that's, that is some kind of list. Well, but you know what?
Speaker 2:though, if there's a man that has a heart for somebody and they have they obviously have a connection on other levels. Yes, and if he wants and if that's what makes his woman happy and he's able to provide that, why not?
Speaker 1:Yes, so in the conversation that I told Mr, I said I don't need a man, I want a man, and I clarified what that meant to him. What I told him is I do want somebody that is chivalrous, because I am old fashioned. And when I was talking about need, I was like I don't need you to pay for my nails, but if you do, that's a bonus. So there are all these things where I was like I'm not going to tell you, oh, no, thanks, I got it Because, hey, if you want to do that for me, great. Do I need you to do it for me? No.
Speaker 1:So I think that's where I was coming from. The point I'm trying to make is I was very specific in what I was looking for so that I wasn't wasting his time or my time, so that he knew the type of woman I was. He already knew I was a single mom and I was working a couple of jobs. But as far as like, okay, I'm a Christian, I want somebody who believes in God. I was just trying to give him my list without it wasn't the whole six foot four got to make this that you know it's all about.
Speaker 2:you know what you want, and it's good that you know what you want and your boundary says my time is precious my peace is precious and unless I have these things, I'm not interested. You know what?
Speaker 1:The world would be a better place if we all stuck to our boundaries and guns what the world would be a better place if we all stuck to our boundaries and guns. Yeah, amen to that, because that's where stuff goes, it's interesting.
Speaker 2:We're having this conversation about a list like I've never. I've never thought I'd have to prescribe to a list of any sorts at all, ever you're like elkie, I didn't know that side of you.
Speaker 1:No, no, no, no, and I'm not slamming it in fact.
Speaker 2:You're gonna see. This is how this is funny. Um, because I never thought that a black and white answer was always was going to tell you the whole story. Right, it's the moment that those things that you say you are and you need, when it happens, that's the moment I'll know whether you really need those things or not, right? And then there's this whole other dynamic. It's there's what I want versus what I need.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Yes, and that's a whole other thing. That's probably another show. Yes, well right, exactly those relationships aren't necessarily, they're not necessarily romantic right. They can have other purpose. It could be a karmic one, it could be your soulmate, it could be a you know, a contract or whatever, whatever all those terms that they come up with now.
Speaker 1:Well, and what you're talking about, and reason in the season is another aspect.
Speaker 2:What was the? You know, sometimes this was hard for me. This was hard for me. I had to realize that sometimes they were in my life for a lesson and I was in their life for theirs. And once that lesson was realized, it was over. As painful as that was, it was over. Did. I grow from the lesson Absolutely. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Did I learn the lesson I'd like to think I did, until it's such a hard lesson to learn that God keeps allowing me to place myself in the situations where I got to go figure it out again, right? So in my last situation shift that's what it was I was exemplifying things from my prior long-term relationship that I broke up with Mm-hmm. And I was. I didn't think I was acting in the same manner, but if you look at it from the outside, in I was. I was Interesting.
Speaker 2:I put her so high and up on a pedestal that I gave her every grace in the book to not show up in the manner in which I needed her to show up, even though I've told her several times and I was older than her too by a lot of years so I thought there was a maturity thing. But I'm thinking by 35,. I mean you should already know what the hell Right Apparently not. By 35, I mean you should already know what the hell Right Apparently not, especially when you've never been married, never had children.
Speaker 2:You know, and your life is just kind of like one party to the next kind of thing, right, and you know, and we met under a party atmosphere, so there was no reason to believe that that was a bad thing, because we both danced the night away. We had a blast. Right, and we would go on vacations and all that. We would have a blast. Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:But it lacked substance Interesting. You know we were good while. I mean anybody can be good on vacation, that's true. You know anybody can be the best behavior. Anybody can put their guard down.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, Look at the Bachelor, the Bachelorette, love Island, yeah, all that.
Speaker 2:You were living that. You're living in the palm trees on the beach, Like how hard is life at the moment?
Speaker 1:Right, exactly yeah.
Speaker 2:So yeah, it's something I'm rifling from and I'm learning more about myself, but I was saying about this list.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:So a buddy of mine I met. I was in the Philippines for two months, so I semi-retired from the tech industry early to do my own thing, and I'm doing those things. One of those things is a digital media company and our developers are in the Philippines.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:So we have a team of developers in the Philippines, so I went to the Philippines to meet the team and all that stuff. Yeah so it was a work pleasure trip. Okay. Supposed to be three weeks. Three weeks turned into two months.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Because I was loving it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was going to say I was loving it. Yeah, I was going to say I was loving it. It's a different energy.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, the women are different and that's a whole other subject we can get into later. But it does tie into the whole boss bitch thing. Oh yeah, you know I don't eat a man thing. Right, right. Um, but anyways I digress. I met a couple, an older hardworking gentleman, salt-of-the-earth guy from Wichita, kansas right, works seven days a week. Man, he's just hardworking about as Americana as he gets. Okay, really good guy. Met a very, very wonderful Filipino woman in his travels there. Uh-huh.
Speaker 2:Okay, and they were adorable. I was at the same resort as them and. I watched him just engaging each other. And I thought wow, that couple is really in love.
Speaker 3:And I was envious. I'm not going to lie, I was envious. I was like, and I was envious.
Speaker 2:I'm not going to lie. I was envious. I was like, man, that's what I want Now. On one hand, I was like, see, it can happen, right, I just got to keep on coming on, just keep being authentic and it can happen, right?
Speaker 2:But anyways, with this recent things I've been going through, I reached out to him Just the other day, by the way, and I said, man, when I saw you guys, you guys were just so wonderful, but I got to ask you I imagine you kissed a lot of frogs before you got to your princess, right? He's like oh yeah, I go. So what did you do? Because you did that? Because what works in the United States doesn't necessarily work in the Philippines.
Speaker 3:Right and vice versa, and vice versa, and vice versa and vice versa, for societal reasons for all kinds of stuff.
Speaker 2:I go well, man, I'm going to tell you something. He goes I never got married before Because I can never find anybody that can match my energy, that can match, that wants to do the things I want to do, and so I looked at dating as I look at my business. Okay.
Speaker 2:And I put it out there and I interview these women and I was like, huh, that makes complete freaking sense. When you go on a job interview, you're interviewing they're interviewing you, you're interviewing them the same way? Yes, absolutely you're trying to figure out. There's a match here at all? Yes, and then, even then to your point you're on 90-day probation.
Speaker 1:To see if this is working out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely so he, so he, so he's like I go, so he goes. So what I did, ann, is that I came up with a list of questions. Oh smart and I'm like okay. And he goes and I flat out and this is early on, this is early on. Like they meet online, you know they're starting to chat back and forth and he goes within a week. If I feel like there's any such connection, vibe there, I send them this list of questions.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:I'm like you email them to them. I go yeah. Wow, I email them and I text them, wow. And I said would you please mind answering these questions, and I will do the same as soon as you're done, so it's not like an interview per se.
Speaker 1:Right, right, it's a two-way street.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, she's obviously got to like the answers that I give as well, right? So I'm like wow, that just seems really. And I told him I got it.
Speaker 1:That seems really bold and robotic, right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he goes, yeah, it is Now. Here's the thing, dude. You would think that it would be easy for women to just do this because they know what they want, right check, check, check, check, check, fill in the boxes right. He goes the majority of the time, 90 of the time they want. They don't want to ask the questions and I'm like, and I'm like and how do you feel about that?
Speaker 2:He goes I don't know If they refuse to answer the questions or they just say I'm too busy for that, or they kind of laugh it off as a joke. I just block and delete them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because why do you got to?
Speaker 2:What's more to talk about? Right right, these questions are important to you.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:And, by the way, they should be important to you too, if you are in any way interested, because if you're not, you won't answer the damn questions.
Speaker 1:That's true.
Speaker 2:So I said, all right, man, I got to see these questions.
Speaker 1:I know Good for you that you asked him.
Speaker 2:How did you meet your—. So he sent these questions over. Okay, and you know what? They're pretty basic, okay, and they're very insightful, right. And I said all right, dude, I'm going to send it out to two women as a test, just to see A little social experiment here.
Speaker 1:A little social experiment, right yeah.
Speaker 2:And there was no pre-talk about these questions with these women at all. I said, hey, I want to send you some questions. Let me know what you think. Okay. If you'd be so kind to fill them out, I'll provide my answers as well. This could be fun.
Speaker 1:Okay, that's a good approach to keep it light, light and airy, yeah.
Speaker 2:The one gal and I kind of expected it was Crickets and I think that she just feels like she's just above it all.
Speaker 1:Okay, so that already told you something. It already told me something.
Speaker 2:Now I didn't block her yet. I'm giving her the grace of some time to sit with it. Maybe it's overwhelming. Right there's that it's not like Scantron.
Speaker 1:ABC and D Right. These are multiple choices.
Speaker 2:How do you feel about this? Yes, I love that question is how do you feel about pda?
Speaker 1:okay, these are valid questions.
Speaker 2:Yes, how do you feel about pda? Another one is um. Another one was in times of stress. What's your energy? Okay? Do you go quiet? Do you get crazy? Do you got to work it out? Right? What's your mechanism? What's? Your coping mechanism. Wow, these are great questions. Interesting thing, he said about that one, he goes. That's a question that a lot of women have trouble with.
Speaker 1:Right, I'm sure, because the Latina woman you know she's going to be like.
Speaker 2:I don't want to sound too crazy, but it's funny you say that I think you've known me a while right. I'm partial to my Sorry.
Speaker 1:I don't mean to stereotype, but I mean you know certain.
Speaker 2:I'll put it out there For you Latina women out there. I love you guys.
Speaker 1:Yes, they are fiery and fun.
Speaker 2:My last two relationships were Okay. Okay, that's my last. Last three out of four. Okay, we're Latinas Okay, last 20 years Okay, something like that, all right. But yeah, I do 20 years okay, something like that, all right. But yeah, I do appreciate the fire, yes, and all that stuff. But anyways, back to the the questionnaire. Then he said once I have, once I get a woman who wants to answer the questions, okay, and then I share it with them and then we go down the list one by one and it's a conversation.
Speaker 1:I love that. I think that's so awesome. We're just keeping it real. You know, when I first started doing the dating podcast, when I first started this, I went online and I saw the list of questions for men and women and the men and women were in awe about the the questions I go. But so many of us forget to think about asking questions like that because we're just we're in the moment, maybe we're just lost in their eyes, so you're not thinking about do they like pda? What if that's important to me but it's not important to them? Know, these are things that we need to think about and need to know.
Speaker 2:And then you go into the whole. You know what's your love language, what's your attachment style. Yes, yes, all these other things.
Speaker 1:Oh my God, Okay, love language. We got to come back to that, okay, well, I mean I'll throw it out there right, so the Straight up.
Speaker 2:I said, look, I'm about affirming me. Uh-huh. What.
Speaker 1:I'm in Affirmation.
Speaker 2:Uh-huh, and physical touch. Uh-huh, your present. It doesn't necessarily mean sex, right? It just means you're next to me. Yes, your hand is on my back.
Speaker 1:Yes. You grab my hand, mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:Just your presence. Mm-hmm physical touch wasn't that important at all. Okay, didn't like PDA. Oh, didn't like holding hands. Oh, she would hold my arm. Uh-huh, as in like the classic gentleman.
Speaker 1:Yeah, when you lock arms or whatever, uh-huh, and I thought that was cute. Yeah, right, uh-huh.
Speaker 2:But she just could never get around, you know, and it wasn't that it wasn't that there were times where we're in public where I wouldn't we wouldn't smooch, or something like that.
Speaker 1:Right, right yeah.
Speaker 2:But it was when she would get self-conscious about herself. Oh. And you know me, I don't give a shit.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm me all the time.
Speaker 1:Right, yes, yes, one of the things I love about you, yeah.
Speaker 2:So there's that, and then you know, then we get the attachment style Holy smokes. Now here's the challenge with attachment styles, right? Okay, you got the avoidant, you got the anxious, the anxious avoidant, and somehow those people find each other because they're on a self-fulfilling prophecy with each other. Yes, it's the cycle they're in and it's the devil they know. Yeah, it's the cycle they're in and it's the devil they know. Yeah, right, but here's the problem with all these labels and looking at TikTok and using TikTok as therapy and all that.
Speaker 2:I know you start to feed yourself and you start to believe that you are something. Yeah, that's true. Why do you not prescribe to what someone thinks you could be, just by three little bullet points that say oh my God.
Speaker 1:You're more than that you're.
Speaker 2:You're more, you're much more depth than that right oh my god, okay, we're gonna be here all night.
Speaker 1:We're gonna be here all night because it's so funny, I I've literally asked my therapist. I've literally asked my therapist if so. I have said, okay, I know my husband is an avoidant and I know my friend is an anxious avoidant. And we're talking about all these styles and the next thing I know I'm going. So, doc, tell me, what is what am I what? What style am I? Because they all have their labels, do, is there one that I need to have? And I am, to your point, kind of happy to report that she was like you know what? You don't have to be any of those things, all of those. And I go because I've looked at the criteria and at looking at the criteria, I can see how some of the things apply. But then I'm looking at the list. I'm like what if all of them?
Speaker 2:apply. That's the point they do in any given situation. Yes, yes, there's going to be moments of anxiety, there's going to be moments of avoidance, right? So are you? One versus the other, not necessarily Right Right. You're just a human being that experiences these emotions.
Speaker 1:Different emotions.
Speaker 2:Yes, at a time it's challenging when you prescribe something and you make it part of your identity, just to realize that it's not really you, right? But it's safe to be part of a group.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:There's power in numbers.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I guess. So that's interesting that we're talking about this, because literally over the weekend I was telling my husband that I wasn't in a clique. I went to Castro Valley High and, believe me, there were cliques, but I said I was classified as the Castro Valley regular because I had my own style, I was my own person and I really like that. When I said that out loud, I'm like, at 57 years old, I'm just now recognizing that I didn't need to fit into a certain category because there were so many. I'm like, well, I can be in yours tomorrow and this one on Wednesday and this one on Thursday, and I feel like that's what makes me unique. Right Is that I didn't fit into any of those molds.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know, it's so just for me now in where I'm at with my my dating life. So when I finally just okay that that was a wrap moving on. You know it's and and you know, leo, energy when we, when we're done, we're done, done, we're done, done. Yes, I know, like you may as well be dead, yeah, you know kind of thing, yep. So where I'm at now is like, oh man, here I go again One more time. But now it's just kind of like I'm just tired, elgie, I'm tired of the dance. Yes.
Speaker 2:The game. Yes, the 20 questions online, first, mm-hmm, and then just to realize that they don't actually ever want to have a conversation, mm-hmm. They want text validation Mm-hmm. I don't have time to be your validation port, right, you know Right, you know Right. And so, for now, where I'm at is I'm really good at being single.
Speaker 1:That's good.
Speaker 2:I'm good at being single.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you should enjoy it.
Speaker 2:Yes, I have a very active dating life. Okay, and the vast majority of it, in fact, 99% of it is not from online awesome it's not it's seeing a girl at starbucks, it's meeting girl and just meeting a girl on the dance floor.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's, it's just organic stuff, because that's who I am like well I was just gonna say that's so who you are, because you behind the screen as opposed to you in real life is not to say that you don't exhibit yourself online, because we've known each other throughout COVID and all that but you have such a big personality that I think somebody like you.
Speaker 2:That's why we gravitate to each other. Yes, exactly, and I appreciate that you said that about me.
Speaker 1:Yes, I feel like sometimes, behind the screen, it doesn't show our true selves and our authenticity, our energy.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So here's the challenge with being good at dating, right. Sometimes I feel like I'm so good at this that, yeah, I could do this for the rest of my life. I could just date this gal, have our fun. We have another date in a month or so, or we don't. That's okay, I'll meet somebody else.
Speaker 2:You know, it's kind of like you know what it reminds me of and I'm listening to sound terrible. But uh, the jerry seinfeld commercial where they're in the coffee shop and the girl says, hey, we gotta talk, and I'm just not feeling this. I think we should break up. And jerry simon looks at her and goes, oh okay, yes, oh okay, yeah, it was great. And he's already starting to get up. He's like right, it was great to meet you. And she's like whoa, whoa, whoa, right you're not gonna fight for me?
Speaker 2:no, no, no, no, there's plenty other women I can meet. That's okay, you'll be fine, and he taps her on the head as he walks out.
Speaker 1:Yes, If Jerry Seinfeld is not gangster.
Speaker 2:I'm telling you, jerry Seinfeld is gangster for that.
Speaker 1:I know that was a fucking gangster move, I know it really was, it really was, and so you're like that's kind of my attitude now.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's kind of my attitude now. Yeah, it's kind of like, eh, and I don't want to get so wrapped up in the whole blue pill thing where I start hating women Because I love women, I love women. You can hang out with your boys as much as you want, right, but the energy between a male and a female is beautiful, it's wonderful. Yeah, it's why we're all want Right, but the energy between a male and a female is beautiful, it's wonderful. Yeah, it's why we're all here. Right, none of us are born until that shit happens, right, right, so we're doing something. Right, right, right, yes, yes, we are our own worst enemies in this life, yeah, right, but we always come from fear. And you know, and I'm still the same way, right, I don't like to say I see red flags, I see, I see, I see yellow lights and guys in orange vests. Be careful over here, watch this bitch. All the signs are there for you to go around, right?
Speaker 1:right, I was. It's so funny you're talking about flags because I was just watching something on tv the other day and they were saying maybe not a red flag, maybe an orange flag, maybe, and it's true, you have to listen to your intuition and just be mindful of those things right now.
Speaker 2:Why do you have, why do we have red flags? Right, because we experienced before and they hurt. Right, and we don't want to experience that again. Right, so but but here's the thing is, they don't know it's a red flag. So you got to get to the point where you have such a relationship, where you can have the discussion and find out, hey, is this something you can change? Because if it's not, it it's okay. Let's just that's okay. Because if you're going to be you and I'm going to be me, and that's never going to just jive the way it's supposed to for both of us to feel fulfilled, then let's not even try.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Let's not even try. I agree.
Speaker 1:I know Whatever happened to just being honest and open and transparent. If you heard my last episode, I was talking about this guy that I dated in high school. Well, I knew him from high school and we dated in my 20s and we were at each other's place every night. Come over for dinner. You come over for dinner. Go to the movies, go to the dinner. You come over for dinner, go to the movies, Go to the.
Speaker 1:And like three months in, after the movie date, we're in the car and he's like so we're not going to see each other anymore. I'm like wait what? And I remember being so devastated in that moment. But when I sat in my feelings, I go, it became very apparent. Yes, I was like he did me a favor because I wouldn't want him to drag out something just because we had good sex or good dinners at each other's houses or good time, but it wasn't going to develop into anything. So I actually, sitting in my feelings and getting over my ego, I was like that that was really considerate of him to say, look, I had a great time with you, we like each other, but it's just not there.
Speaker 2:The hard part for me in being good at dating and I think you met some of my girlfriends in the past. Right, I've never had a problem attracting a beautiful woman Right, inside and out, at least in the time that we're good. Yes, yes, that were good, yes, yes. But with this energy of that, yeah, I can. I can just be the, you know the, the, the older, sophisticated guy that dates younger gals and just has a great time and and then, you know, go on vacations and you know, treat them like Queens.
Speaker 2:And then, you know, next vacation it could be somebody else. Right, I could totally see myself doing it, melky. But here's the problem it's not who I am. Yeah, it's not who I am. Right, right, I believe in Christian values. I believe in a man and a woman. I believe in the covenant. I've been married twice. Both times, both of my wives were not believers, at least in the way that we needed to be to survive, uh-huh. So I told myself, like I'm not, I'm not dating anybody.
Speaker 1:That's not a believer anymore good for you so you knew that was a deal breaker that you had to have that I'm not doing it.
Speaker 2:You know a, b is um. The other thing is that if you don't know anymore and I'm not faulting you for it if you forgot or never really knew how to be feminine, I'm not going to be the guy to teach you how to be Right. I can't. That's not your job, it's it's me, being a man, in my masculine, male energy, that that's just gonna naturally come out of you. Yes, because you'll, your soul needs that right. And if you don't recognize it, there's nothing I'm ever gonna to do to convince you otherwise. And why should I? Right, you're absolutely right. So I mean, believe it or not, I'm turning 55 on the 17th, in less than two weeks, right? Or 13 days? Okay, I still want to be married. I want the dream. Yeah, now I don't want the white picket fence anymore. I want passports. I want passport stamps, right, right. I want experiences. I want sleeping on bungalows on the beach in Phuket.
Speaker 1:That's what I want.
Speaker 2:Yeah, right, right, I want, you know, I want public sex under a waterfall.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there you go.
Speaker 2:You know that's what I want, want, so it's really hard to find. I was dating a gal and she said after it was the gal that I was in a situation with she said she's like I can't keep up with you and at the time I heard that I took it as a compliment.
Speaker 2:I took it like, yeah, that's right, I'm older than you by a lot, but I'm keeping it moving, right, right, I'm keeping it moving. But the reality was it was her saying you're not my person. But I only realized that after I broke it off with her, because you know, when we do that, we break things off, Right right, the post-mortem and the why. Because we want it to make sense. Right, we wanted to make feel like it was wasn't for not so when she said that I had.
Speaker 1:I was like holy shit, what did you say? In the moment? Did you say yeah, yeah, you can, you have no I think I said something about I go, you what?
Speaker 2:Not too many people can keep up with me. Okay, because that's the truth. Uh-huh, right, I just go. Mm-hmm, I just go, and sometimes I got blinkers on. That's how I ran my businesses, that's how I ran my career. Mm-hmm, I just go, mm-hmm. And the people that keep up with me are can and maybe should. Uh-huh, if you can't and you don't want to, it's all good, baby, right. I wish you nothing but the best.
Speaker 1:One bye right, okay, bye. Well, yes, we don't want to try and change anyone. We want somebody that's going to compliment us right, to compliment our energy, and not try to convince somebody to be something they're not and someone they're not.
Speaker 2:It's interesting, I'm still friends with my previous ex. We're still great friends and you know, sometimes we reflect upon our past together and she puts you know how we love karaoke. Right, it's therapy for us. Yes, the last thing I'm trying to do when I go to karaoke is hook up. Right. Usually it's the same old damn people and we're all just one big happy family, right? Yes?
Speaker 1:Right, yes.
Speaker 2:You know. And so um she, she was saying how, when we were together and, by the way, she was a high-powered senior vice president at a major Silicon Valley corporation, so it's not like she didn't have a sphere of influence and 300 men and women reporting to her and boss bitched it out and all that right Right.
Speaker 2:But she would say to me when we would go to karaoke and you were on that stage and you would sing, you would look at everybody and I could see these women just swooty. And after you were done you were very graceful, right You'd either say thank you or you'd bow right.
Speaker 2:And a lot of the time I would see women, women thinking I want to go talk to him and she goes. I've even, I've even stopped women from approaching you and told him no, that's my man, oh, and I'm like I didn't see that she's.
Speaker 1:No, of course you didn't, because you're oblivious, right, right when you're in that zone, when you're in oblivious, exactly that's a great time, right right, you know, and I was like okay, so what are you asking me to do?
Speaker 2:what? What back then, what were you asking of me? What would have made that right me stop singing, without it ever gonna work? So what was it? She goes, I don't know, it's just, I go, yeah. But you also realize I had men coming up to me saying the same thing yes so it's not like I was kicking game.
Speaker 2:Yeah, to get away now when I was single and I had an attraction for somebody, when I walk over them gracefully and sing a few bars and look them right in the eye, sure, sure, absolutely. I'm a, I'm nice, I'm that, I'm that. You know sweat. Let's go Right, right, but um but yeah. I remember it. So she said to me yeah, I just always felt like like I was going to have to defend my, my place with you every time. Wow.
Speaker 1:We have parallels. I I don't know. I think I asked you this before. I said I didn't know if you remembered travis, the guy I was with for six years prior to mr, prior to our weight loss journey I recall travis.
Speaker 2:Yeah, um, he's the guy that was at the r&b shows right, uh, well, we're talking about Latin.
Speaker 1:I used to always date Latin. He's a Puerto Rican guy. Yeah, I remember.
Speaker 2:I didn't really talk to him, but I remember him.
Speaker 1:Yes, same. Thing.
Speaker 2:He was kind of quiet.
Speaker 1:Yes, because he was kind of an introvert and he hated going out karaoke or dancing with me. That was my thing, not his thing. But he would show up for me, but he would be. He would say the same thing it's so hard to come to you, come with you to these things, because you just have a way about you. He would say, when you say hi to somebody, it's like you're flirting and I'd say that's me being friendly. And then after the singing or the dancing, same thing it's so hard to come with you to these things.
Speaker 2:The thing about this is for the person now, for the person, for us being in our shoes. We certainly don't want to disregard how our partner's feeling about it, right right, but at the same time, are you being genuine to who you are now? It's all about intent. Yes, right, yes, I'm outwardly showing attention to somebody in a manner that anybody can clearly see. There's a definite extra interest than just the friendly thank you. Well then, hey then you know what it is. Yes, right, yes. But if you're just being you and so you, you know it's love. So you've heard it said before it's it's you just gotta love the person you're with. Right, all of them Right, and some of it you're not gonna like very much Right, that's given Right. You know, my mom used to always tell me growing up if you get 80% of you want in a moment, you're doing pretty damn good.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's really sweet, it's sweet.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it means the other 20% is work. Yes, it's compromise.
Speaker 1:Yes, I mean. That's why I'm saying it's sweet. It's like wow 80, 20.
Speaker 2:Well, use whatever scale number you like.
Speaker 1:Yes, no I appreciate that I mean.
Speaker 2:You know, 60% is a passing grade, right right?
Speaker 1:Well, I'm just thinking. A perfect example is Mr comes with me to karaoke and he doesn't like to sing. He will be my fan club. He will video me because I want to watch it and reflect and go. Oh, I sounded terrible there and I. I want to correct myself, I want to be, I want to work on myself, but also I'm like he goes. I don't really like it. I go. You think I like going to your football games and sitting in the stands for hours, sometimes by myself, sometimes in the cold. It's not my favorite thing to do, but I'm doing it to support you, yeah. So I think that's a I think that's a big.
Speaker 2:I think that's a big cue, right there. Right, if you have a life and you built the things around you that you enjoy and they serve you, why should you ever stop? Yes, god forbid, stop for somebody. Right, because all that's going to do is build resentment. Exactly Right, because all that's going to do is build resentment.
Speaker 1:Exactly, exactly, one of the girls on my show the other day she was talking about it's a show that I'll probably get heat for, but it's called the Valley and it's like a spinoff of Vanderpump Rules if you've ever watched that as a reality show. And so Brittany is talking about her husband Jackson. She's basically saying I lost my sparkle with you because he wasn't attracted to her anymore. I didn't say she was pretty, all these things, and so she basically dimmed her light to appease him. So she wasn't being authentic to who she is, to who she is, and so us talking about the karaoke thing is just making me realize that, with Travis and with Mr, the things I've said is these are things that I enjoy and I do for me. If you want to come with me and support me, great. If you don't, that's okay too, because I have my tribe, but you want your partner?
Speaker 2:Ideally you want your partner. I used to say that so my the, that so the long relationship I was in. She wanted nothing to do with karaoke, she wanted nothing to do with my martial arts and she wanted nothing to do with my family.
Speaker 2:Three biggest damn things in my life. Yeah, besides you, right? So I'm going to give up those three for you Now I get it If we're going to be married and in the covenant forsake others. I get that. We're not there yet this is triumph. We're figuring that part out. When I do find my wife, I will for sure commit in every way, shape or form, body, mind and soul you know yeah.
Speaker 2:So it's too hard, because you're thinking if this is important to me and she's important to me and I'm supposed to be important to her, why wouldn't that be important for her too? Yes, why didn't she want to see me have joy? Right, right, it's not like I'm gambling, it's not like I'm going out with the boys and getting trashed Right.
Speaker 1:Right, you're not going to see, you're not going to pay some strippers. I'm not at the strip club, I'm not gambling.
Speaker 2:I'm not doing drugs, right, I'm exercising.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And I'm being creative.
Speaker 1:Right, right, right. Yes, I agree. And going back to the whole interviewing thing, I want to circle back to that because All the questions. Well, the reason I want to come back to it is so. He had a list of questions which I really appreciate, but one of the things I did during my singledom, before meeting my husband and this was another words of advice from something I read which was say yes to everything, so that it will open more doors for you.
Speaker 1:And when I was in my dating phase, I said yes to everyone that asked. Because what the way I approached it was. I'm interviewing people to see if I like them and if they're a match for me. So I looked at it in kind of like it sounds kind of calculated and very robotic and impersonal. But I go. You have to practice dating in order to learn how to date.
Speaker 1:And because I was coming out of a relationship that didn't serve me, I said I have to start over to find out what I do and don't like. And so what I did was I said yes to everybody. I went on all kinds of dates with people I was like, eh, not really my type, or no, I don't know that we have the same interests. I'm not even sure if I'm attracted to them, but what ended up happening? What I discovered about myself is that all of these men, by the way, I'm really good friends with and would be here in a heartbeat if I was in the hospital or needed a friend to cry on or somebody to watch my dog, whatever it was hospital or needed a friend to cry on or somebody to watch my dog, whatever it was what I ended up finding out was men are simple. Men are simple.
Speaker 2:Women hear me. Men are very simple, Seriously.
Speaker 1:I found out that men are simple and if you are intentional with how you communicate with them, as far as I like this, I don't like that.
Speaker 2:they will listen, they will hear you for the most part, it's not what you say, it's how you say it yes always yes.
Speaker 1:So I ended up finding out that there were all kinds of things, which is why I go back to my friends who have this I don't, I don't want to say too specific list. What I want to say is I think it's OK to be so surface level. Yeah, because for me I'm mr and I both say this like his. His go-to was a tall blonde with big boobs, big butt, and I'm like my hair's not blonde and he was was like oh, hair to here. Like he had a very specific list and mine was the opposite, the opposite.
Speaker 2:It was like not a white man. I totally made the opposite track.
Speaker 1:Yeah. I was like Latin, somebody with spice European, and the first thing that my kid said was a white guy. You're going out with a white guy.
Speaker 2:Well, okay. So when I say the list that I borrowed from my friend, it wasn't a list of my requirements, it was just questions to inquire about. Yes, no, it's just me trying to get to know them as a baseline. Yes, and.
Speaker 1:I think that's awesome.
Speaker 2:So, interesting enough, I just checked it and so one of the new gals I'm talking to this is very new, like recently new, and I just sent it to her and she shot it back today. So one of the first questions is are you affectionate and clingy? Yes, if I'm in a relationship. Number two is are you submissive to your man when in a committed relationship, or are you more liberated and independent? I'm submissive to my man. Then there's some other house cleaning ones. Do you smoke? No. Do you drink? No, like that kind of stuff um.
Speaker 2:So here's another one. I thought was interesting, um, um. Well, one says dogs or cats, oh, she puts both.
Speaker 1:Okay, okay.
Speaker 2:Okay, so these are the easy questions, right? So you can't hit them all at once, right? Right, you got to test the waters.
Speaker 1:Yes, how many questions are on this list?
Speaker 2:Is it 10? So the first part is let's see, it's got to be at least 25. Okay, two, three, four, yeah, probably it might be 50 by the time it's all said and done.
Speaker 1:Okay, so do you send the 50? No, no, I send these first, or do you break it up.
Speaker 2:I broke these. I broke them into two, okay.
Speaker 1:So this must be 20 years.
Speaker 2:Okay, I don't know. Here's an interesting one. I didn't think about this. What do you consider good table manners? Oh my gosh, I wish I would have asked that question, she wrote in bold letters be more respectful, especially when eating and keeping neat. Hmm, that says a lot about somebody it does. It says a lot about somebody. It does. There's another one. I would never think to ask this of a lot about something. It does. There's another one, and I would never think to ask this of a woman.
Speaker 1:Wow, these are great questions and I'll send you the list as well.
Speaker 2:Yes, please do I want to we got to answer this we're going to link this for all you single people. And here's going to be the one how do you feel about plastic surgery like breast implants? Oh, and she goes. Not against it, not for it.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Cool. And then here's the one about how do you feel about PDA. She goes 50-50. Now I thought that was really insightful, because that means really what that means to me is do you feel safe in the moment? Do you feel safe enough to be vulnerable with me in a public setting? Right, so that's just as much my job as it is hers right.
Speaker 1:Well, and also the great thing about these questions is there can be follow-up questions like can you explain what you mean?
Speaker 2:here it's about setting a dialogue. Yes, that's the tone. Yes, I love it, love it. It's similar to you've heard the thing how to fall in love with somebody with 30 questions. Have you seen that? It's similar to that.
Speaker 2:Now here's the last one. This is a very guy response. How important is sex to you when in a relationship? And she put what is that One million percent important? Ha ha, ha ha. I mean, what is that One million percent important? Ha, ha, ha ha. So I mean Now, in part two, they get meatier, right, okay, sure, okay, here's one, because she is younger. If there's an age gap, how do you feel about taking care of someone when they really get old?
Speaker 1:Damn, that's good. I mean, don't you want to know that? You want to know that?
Speaker 2:Just ship me off to a loony farm or a cow and milk off my pension and my investments and sell a bee, or you know. Here's another one. Are you a religious person? Big one, and of course you know, here's a big one. What is your preferred age range for a man? Okay, no man of age would ever want to ask that of a younger woman, right, right?
Speaker 1:But your dad and mom better know. Yeah, yes, well, these are great questions, I'll Right, but your damn mom better know. Yeah, yes, well, these are great questions.
Speaker 2:I'll give you one more just for the road, but we'll figure this out. Oh, this one's important because I'm, I'm, I'm a very, I'm a very intimate sensual person. So this one says when, in a committed relationship, how many times a week do you want to have sex?
Speaker 1:Okay, so I'm going to be eyeballing that one.
Speaker 2:Yeah, put a little asterisk.
Speaker 1:This is the bonus question. I like it.
Speaker 2:So it seemed tongue-in-cheek to me when he was first telling me about this, like really, that's all you did. He's like yeah, dude, that's all I did. And the ones that Lance was like, I didn't even ask for an explanation.
Speaker 1:Well, I was going to say they already weeded themselves out. Right, they already Next. Yeah, yeah he goes, I go.
Speaker 2:How many of these have you ever sent out? He goes I must have sent out hundreds. I go how many were actually dead on exactly what you would want, what you wanted to mention everyone, because maybe 30, my damn dude, that's good numbers. Yeah, that's really good numbers, right, you know right. 200 to 30. Are you at least in the pool, right?
Speaker 2:so did you date, all 30 goes. Oh no, no. That's when we went into the dialogue and that's when I vetted to understand. Was she answering because she wanted to hear I wanted? She wanted to tell me what I wanted to hear, or was it?
Speaker 1:real or was it honest? Yeah, yeah, interesting, well, if you think about it.
Speaker 2:So, and then, finally, what it came down to is why you've going to approach them to begin with. I saw that love between them. He goes with my wife. She answered all the questions in 30 minutes. She shot it back. We met. We had dialogue about the questions. We decided to meet and in that instant, in a moment, I knew she was going to be my wife.
Speaker 1:That's so awesome. I'm like I want to believe in that fairy tale. Yeah, well, I mean, I was just going to say it kind of makes sense if you think about it, because it's kind of like what isn't it kind of what the dating apps I mean? You have to answer.
Speaker 2:Well supposedly.
Speaker 1:I mean right. Well, that's why.
Speaker 2:The algorithm is supposed to know better than you, yes, or, if you remember, there was a show, a reality show, where, remember, the experts wouldn't match you with somebody, yeah, right, and you know they were just both by all means. And a lot of those arrangements wouldn't work, right? Why? Because it's not about the data, mm-hmm. You can't put a value on the feeling, you can't put a value on how this person impacts you. That's true. And, like when you leave there, you know one thing that really hits hard with me when I get engaged in a conversation it didn't always lead anywhere, but where you have a conversation almost out of a week and you just feel like you've known him for your whole life, it's such a cool feeling. But a lot of those relationships just turn into great friends. That's true, and that's okay. That's totally okay, right, right, because ultimately, I want to fall in love with my best friend. Yeah, I'll have it no other way.
Speaker 1:I'll have it no other way I talked to so many of my friends about how companionship is uh needs to be prioritized, because you want to fall in love with your best friend, you want, want them to be your companion and you could build off of that, because if you're just going for surface level, he's got to be hot six foot four, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know what All that stuff is going to fade.
Speaker 2:Well, not only that, guess what? As hot as you are, as successful in everything I am, there's always someone richer and hotter than I am, and there's always someone younger and hotter than you.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. I say that too. There's that also. It's always going to be the case.
Speaker 2:So if that's your mode, well then, go on with your bad self, and there's plenty of people that will rock with you, yeah, and you just have fun. And you know what? I'm not going to lie. There's a part of me that when I'm not seeing the quality women that I want here, especially and I say this for the listeners that boss bitch mentality, and let's just say it, that's a Western world phenomenon.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, right, agree.
Speaker 2:It makes me want to just check out of here and go elsewhere.
Speaker 1:I don't blame you.
Speaker 2:And I know the whole passport bro thing gets a bad rap and all that. And you know there's a lot of gold diggers in other countries. Guess what? There's gold diggers here too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the gold diggers are everywhere. They're everywhere, yeah, everywhere. I agree, I agree, I agree, and that's why I was struggling when we were talking about in the earlier episodes about feminism and alpha female and all that stuff. The one thing I will say is I had to become a strong, independent woman because I didn't have the means Society.
Speaker 2:actually, maybe the male friends on this thing who are listening may not like this. But, men, we cause these women to become boss bitches. We cause them to have to become the head of the household.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's true, and I'm making a general issue. But what do you do? The household? Yeah, yeah, that's true and I'm making a general issue. But what do you do? Yes, society doesn't give a shit about you. You go to work, you get your ass kicked, you put in a hard eight to 10 hours a day. You come home, last thing you want to do is talk. Last thing you want to do is get into any decision making, right, and you certainly don't feel romantic in the moment, right? So what do you want to do? You want to grab a beer? You want to get on the couch, get on your chair and veg out, or you want to go down to your man cave.
Speaker 2:Or you want to go for a run, or your hobby or work on the car, man, shit, right. Hang out with your boys and just vet, talk some shit, right, right, yeah. So you know, yes, that's all valid stuff. Okay, that's all valid stuff. Okay, no-transcript, I do my part. You're very wrong. You're very, very wrong, and so, especially when there's children involved, that dynamic, right. So you know how many times? What's the one thing you hear of wives everywhere in the world, I don't care where it is what's the one thing you hear about their husbands Wow, I hear a lot.
Speaker 1:I mean he's tired, he's lazy, he's complaining, he doesn't want to do anything for me, he won't help me with the kids. He won't help me with the house.
Speaker 2:What? How's this one? I feel like I have another kid.
Speaker 1:Oh, yes, yes, yeah.
Speaker 2:Because, whether it's sports, whether it's fantasy football league, whether it's video games, whether it's their hobby right Whatever thing takes them away from having to connect.
Speaker 1:Yes, Right Now. Here's the thing.
Speaker 2:It's a self to connect, yes, right Now. Here's the thing, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Right Now, the women have to step up Right, and then, when the man doesn't do something the woman wants, she lays into him. That makes him cower and step back even more. Yeah, now he's a shell of the man you met, mm-hmm, and you'll never get him back. So men cause this, yeah, men cause now. Now, now here's an interesting thing we're unpacking so much. This is crazy, I know, but you know, then you get, then you get the whole.
Speaker 2:Why do women like, why do women like bad boys, mm-hmm? Guess what? They're not all bad boys, they just have fucking boundaries, mm-hmm. And they're going to say to you I don't like this, mm-hmm. And if you feel like you need to get all prettied up and go out with the girls and go to bars where there's alcohol and you want the attention of men, and even if you're going to deny them all the fact that you feel like you are okay, to put yourself in that environment, so that's a, that's a no go for me. Cause why would you put us at risk ever? Cause you know what we're easy to be, to be afraid. One argument Right. One unmet expectation Right One bad, you know. Didn't text me back. Whatever, I'll show him. What's it going to hurt?
Speaker 2:I'll just get attention from this dude. Yeah, he's going to buy me a drink. We'll chit chat.
Speaker 1:Yeah, walking into temptation already.
Speaker 2:It's a slipway.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I agree.
Speaker 2:And it isn't even sexual at first. It could just be that very nonchalant hey, bud, how's your day? Right, right, it's all that.
Speaker 1:Oh sorry, baby.
Speaker 2:And all of a sudden you're texting some rando good morning and you didn't even roll over and give her wife a kiss that's, oh my gosh, we are going way over our time that we talked about well.
Speaker 1:I want to end with this and I want to make sure I say thank you to my loyal subscribers. But one of the things I wanted to end with this and I want to make sure I say thank you to my loyal subscribers but one of the things I wanted to share is that's why I have such a hard time when people talk about well, you pushed me to cheat because you didn't pay attention to me. That's such a cop out. It's like why don't you try communicating your feelings with your partner?
Speaker 2:So the thing about cheating right is that's just the byproduct. The thing that ruined your relationship was well before that, and the sad thing is that's sometimes not even the nail in the coffin Right. That sometimes becomes the starting point for trying to rekindle what you have.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, fuck that. Yeah, forget that. I know You've. You've shown me who you are now.
Speaker 2:Right, you know, right, I think people get. So you know, you know we talk about best, best investing, yes, but then the flip side of this, when you are with somebody for so long and you invested your whole life with them, right, and you get that attitude, that's like you know. My cousin said it, you know. He says I'm an estate bird keeper.
Speaker 1:Oh Damn. Yeah, I know, I've heard that I don't ever want to be in. I know, I know that is a hard pill to swallow. I've heard that too, yeah.
Speaker 2:But it's a harsh reality of our society.
Speaker 1:Yes, it is, it is so, wow, I know.
Speaker 2:Well, I hope that this was valuable. I really enjoyed it.
Speaker 1:I think a lot of people are going to be so happy that we talked about the dynamics of the woman's perspective, the man's perspective.
Speaker 1:Even me, telling you, I was very proud of myself for putting my cards on the table and it sounded like well, okay, so I didn't even get to the part of my girlfriends were like, oh for shame, you actually said that and I go, I just wanted him to know the woman that I am and I felt like we didn't ever have a conversation because my, my husband will tell you, even though he's in sales, he's not comfortable asking questions.
Speaker 1:He's just like oh, I didn't know this or that and I'm like you got to ask the questions to know the answers Right. And so I just felt like like, because he didn't ask the questions that I needed to tell him this is the type of woman I am and this is what I'm looking for. Now, what I did was I said these are all the things I'm looking for. What is it you're looking for? Instead of having my checklist of questions, which I didn't have, I just said and I made it a point to say, chivalry, because that's something I was instilled in me from a very young age- Kids don't even know what that is.
Speaker 1:I know, I tell people, I tell people at school, I tell the kids at school at the middle school, when they hold the door for me. I go chivalry is not dead. They're like huh, and I go chivalry, you just did a chivalrous act. You were holding the door.
Speaker 1:Right, and so I go. Chivalry manners, yeah, but I say that all the time to people because I was raised by, even though my mom was a single mom and she was an independent woman. She was like the man walks on the outside, the man opens the door.
Speaker 2:The man comes on the outside. The man opens the door. The man comes to the door. Let me tell you something that happened in both of my past relationships. Right In my long-term relationship, I would always get her door. That's what I did. She would complain and say the time it takes for you to open the door, me get in. Close the door and then you got to walk all the way around and you got to get in the door and then you got to put your seatbelt on.
Speaker 1:We could have been gone, so she didn't even appreciate that. Okay, ugh, my heart.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And then the other girl. It was less abrupt, but you know, she would always say why do you always put me on the inside of the sidewalk? I'm like because if a drunk guy is going to come down the neighborhood and hit us, he's going to hit me first. Yeah, and hopefully I pushed you out of the way. That's why, right, she's like, oh now, mind you, there was an age gap, so she doesn't know these things Right.
Speaker 1:I was just about to ask about the age gap, and so she doesn't know these things Right.
Speaker 2:I was just about to ask about the age gap. And then I would get her door right and she would never say thank you, Didn't ever say thank you, she would just get in. And it bugged me when I thought these youngins, they don't know. Yeah, they don't know.
Speaker 2:And I said so. I got in the car and I said do you like it? When I get your door, she's like yeah, I do I go. How would I know? Thank you, yeah, how would you know? Oh, she was visually surprised. She's like oh, okay, I do appreciate it, I like it. I'm like, okay, she goes. Do I have to tell you all the time? I don't know, but I just want to know that you appreciate it.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, that's good Simple things.
Speaker 2:Yeah, simple things.
Speaker 1:Well, I like you Words of affirmation and physical touch and I know we're going way over, but I want to make sure we were talking about love languages and speaking of like learning people, right? Yeah, well, I was dating who I thought was my Mr Right before Mr and I brought up in the car we were coming back from a friend's house. It was Christmas Eve, we had a lovely time, went to meet his friends. Oh, you're the best. She's the best girl you ever had. You guys are a great couple. We're driving home and I'm like so you know I'm reading this book and have you heard? No, it just was like super abrupt, super short and I go, well, you know the five love languages, what it is, so I'm explaining the book. I'm thinking maybe he's interested in knowing this. When it came to our next date, he goes nobody's going to tell me to read a book and tell me about love languages.
Speaker 2:And I was like just found out you're not my person because you are not open to learning about yourself or your partner friends of mine, right, some of these singles, some of their marriages, you know, just long-time friends, and the overarching thing we always talk about with a potential partner or who we're with is if they can just be more agreeable, if they can just be a little more agreeable. Yeah, and not everything has to be a fight. And really what does that mean? As a man saying that he just wants peace, right, he gets his ass kicked all day. Yes, he has people who harp on him all day. Yes, no one gives a shit about a man in society. A man could be shipped off to war. He'll be in a casket and no one will remember.
Speaker 1:Except for the ones that buried ones that buried in the right, right.
Speaker 2:So yeah, it's, it's, it's. You just want something that's just agreeable, and so for me, my love language is I realize something as I get more mature and as I get more introspective and understand who I am, and that's the reason why you don't see me at karaoke as much as you used to right. That was an every darn damn day thing for me for a lot of years. Now it's like once a month or just if it's convenient, and usually when I go I'm like one, two songs max and I'm out.
Speaker 1:And then you're out. Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 2:That's why I'm out now, right, because I'm there for my fix, my breathing like got that out, I can, I can move it, I can keep it moving now, right, right. But but I noticed with me now is that what used to be overwhelmingly um words of aggregation and physical touch to the point of about like 80% between the two. I get this overwhelming.
Speaker 2:I've taken the test over again with my journey and my work and my understanding and now, believe it or not, I'm darn near 20, 25% or 20% on all five of them now Interesting. So it's changed. So what it means is I need the whole package, I want the whole thing. I want the quality time Right, because if I think you're hot and I want physical time, well, quality time, yes. Sexy time is quality time. Yes, right. I want random acts. I love gifts. Now, I love giving gifts more than I've received them.
Speaker 1:Same, same. It's so funny that we're talking about this. It's not even the gift, it's the thought. It's the thought, yes.
Speaker 2:I'll give you one thing, and I know we're running over, but this is just really important In my last relationship. I love the Raiders. It was my birthday. She bought me a bunch of Raiders gear. That was very thoughtful.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But I also found out that she didn't buy it on Amazon and all that. She was late and had to get to a sports store and when you go to those places you're paying top dollar for that stuff. So she hands it to me and I'm putting it all on and she goes oh, that looks good on you. I'm like, oh thanks, I love it, I love it. She goes, you better wear it, because I just spent $400 on this shit.
Speaker 1:No, she ruined it by saying that. Why?
Speaker 2:Why? And my first information is you know what Return it all, I'll get my own shit.
Speaker 1:Right, then it's not authentic.
Speaker 2:Why didn't I walk at that moment? Because I put her on the pedestal and I was like, well, I think she got me something. Why should I fucking settle for the scraps? Why am I afterthought? Why am I last minute thing? And why the hell, after you just got a Louis Vuitton bag from me three months earlier, would you complain about foreigners? Earlier would you complain about so? But the crazy thing about that is that I actually showed her grace. You know, I was like. You know, I bargained with myself to say that well, I think she got it and I like this stuff and I'm sure your boys were like oh, she bought you this or that.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's dope, right you know?
Speaker 2:yeah, I got a drill, you know, or whatever right, you know right. And and I won't even buy me the jersey, I just got the hat or the scarf and then I was like, yeah, you know what, you're right, that was pretty cool, huh, yeah, you know but when you look back, you're like damn she was down all along, right you? Ruined it. But I was, I was, I was. I was attached to the dream, I was attached to what I, what I believe, the future was going to look like Right, yes, dangerous.
Speaker 2:There's a lot to be said about living in now, living in the moment.
Speaker 3:Yes In, there's a lot to be said about living in now.
Speaker 1:Living in the moment, yes, present in the moment but, hey, your presence is going to create your future, exactly, exactly. Uh, it's interesting that you bring that up, because that was a disagreement that I would have with my ex and mr mr made the mistake of doing that. One time. He bought me a Michael Kors bag and over dinner he was like, well, I spent and I went, like this I go, don't I put my hand up.
Speaker 2:I was like do not.
Speaker 1:I was like do not finish. Do not finish what you are about to say. Do not tell me how much that bag costs, because then you're not being authentic and it wasn't genuine, and then you don't want the gift, right?
Speaker 2:You're just like you want to hear something?
Speaker 1:I never wore any of that shit, I'm sure, because you had those memories and that whole conversation and the thoughts attached to it, right, and the thoughts were still on it and when we broke up, I don't even know Brand new stuff yeah, I gave it to my friends that were fans, right, and I wait, isn't this what cora gave you?
Speaker 2:I said her name. Isn't this what your girl gave you? Yeah, why are you giving to me?
Speaker 1:because I don't want it right, I just don't want it. Yeah, okay, score for me like okay score for me. It's funny I've retaken the test and I've gone to the point where it's I'm all of them as well, and it still says, like words of affirmation, physical touch. But it also says I do enjoy quality time and gifts and I like you not just receiving them but giving them, because I like to see the look on people's faces.
Speaker 2:I want to see the joy in their face. It's not that I don't think two people should affirm each other. Two people have to affirm each other all the time, right, right. But affirming is not necessarily a dialogue. Right, right, it's a presence. Yes, it's the small things you do day in, day out. Yes.
Speaker 2:Yes, it Show Right. Don't talk about it. Be about it Absolutely. Those actions speak way louder than the words. I agree, and so it's quite interesting. But yeah, I'm just figuring it out, you know my mom's out there, she's out there, definitely. Sometimes I got to realize that, you know, I say is that, oh, God's preparing her for me. You know, what I should really be saying is God's preparing you for her. And this pain, this funk, this stuff that I'm working through this is all the work. It sucks, yeah, but I'm worth it.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes. As long as you see that and recognize that, I mean you're already on the right track, because there's so many people out there that don't put in the work and reflect on their pain and try to heal those wounds. Our inner child of the past, all that stuff that's definitely something I learned throughout the dating of. I learned what my triggers are, my stuff I was still holding on to that. I needed to let go. I needed to work through and even now, as I'm in therapy, I still see things that I go oh, that's from my childhood and I need to let that go because that's a me thing, not a him thing, so I think that's good.
Speaker 1:You should be proud of yourself for the journey that you've gone on.
Speaker 2:I am there's a part of me that still has that like oh man, dude, you're turning 55 and you're single again.
Speaker 1:You know what I tell everybody? I get that. I get that. One of the things I like to say is your birthday is about your rebirth, so it's all about new beginnings. So that's how you need to approach it.
Speaker 2:oh, I totally feel like this is uh, I honestly, at the age I am now, okay, believe it or not, the best is yet to come, because now that I'm in this new phase of life where I'm semi-retired, I can do whatever the hell I want right, whatever I want, chapter go wherever I want to go. It's liberating.
Speaker 1:That's good.
Speaker 2:That's good and it allows me to be authentically me in all cases. Yeah, and I'm not for everybody. I'm not supposed to be Right. Right and not everyone's for me. Yeah, you know, they're not supposed to be Right, you know. So maybe my person is listening now.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, I can't wait to hear all the feedback. Loyal listeners out there. Okay, he's single and his birthday party is what is it going to be this year?
Speaker 2:the last year was like a voyin thing a little bit about that I don't know if I want to do. There's a part of me that wants to just get in my van park at a beach and just veg out with you by myself okay there's a part of me that wants to have an intimate dinner with very close friends and family, and there's a part of me that just wants to party.
Speaker 1:Okay, so you'll find out okay, yeah, I was just resetting up our pictures that we took at your birthday party last year, which was so much fun. That was a blast. We had so much fun. We had a great time the dancing.
Speaker 1:Yes, it was everything and I really wish that my single friend that I'm trying to get her to come out of her shell would have come, because she was all hung up on like oh you know, I'm not comfortable with my weight and how I look and I was like girl, we're all there for the same reason To have a good time, eat some good food and be in some good company. And do you know, at the end of your party, when we got home, I was like girl, you missed a damn good party. When I was showing her the pictures, I was like it was everything you want Good food, good people, good, this good that. She was like aw.
Speaker 2:So maybe I'll get her to go to this one and did she say oh yeah, damn, tommy's really handsome.
Speaker 1:You know that's a great question. I don't know if we even I can't remember if we had a picture of us.
Speaker 2:I think the pictures that I saw were maybe on social media From the booth right, the picture booth. Yeah Well, okay. Last point, because you touched on it, it's very important, uh-huh. Okay, I want to tell you something. Okay, I'm a big guy, right, I'm a lot smaller than I used to be.
Speaker 1:Yes so.
Speaker 2:I'm healthy now. Yes. And very comfortable in my skin Not that I wasn't, but I'm really comfortable in my skin Right Right. I like thick women. Okay, I do, and I think it's because I've traveled so much around the world that the basis for beauty in the rest of the world is thick, healthy women.
Speaker 1:Yes, not snakes, yeah, amen to that yes, not sticks, yeah, amen to that.
Speaker 2:I mean, I want curves, and now, maybe that's why I'm biased to Latinas.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that could be. That could be Okay. Oh my God, we're going so much over our time, but I was watching a show last night on Netflix Luann. It's called Luann and the guy had a great line in it, so it's two sisters and it's a comedy. It's really funny back in the 90s Something Around the Sun, john Lithgow.
Speaker 2:Third Rock from the Sun.
Speaker 1:Maybe that, yeah, and there's a really tall woman. She's got like a very masculine voice, she's really funny. Anyway, she's one of the sisters and the other sister, luanne, she's going through a divorce. So she's like, oh, now I have to worry about somebody seeing all this. And they're like, anyway, fast forward. Uh, the other sister. They're like having breakfast and the boyfriend's like, oh, I'm making you uh food. And she's like, oh no, I can't eat. And he goes, come on, honey. He goes don't nobody look, does he say Don't no, men want a straight road, we want a, we want a road with curves in it and the way and I probably butchered it and delivered that wrong, but in that moment I was like I like that line Don't no man want a straight road, he wants some curves in it.
Speaker 2:You've heard me saying bodied like a backroom.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, yeah, yes, I like a background. Yes, yes, um, yeah, yes, I know I was like it's good to know that not all of us have to be victoria's secret models and now for me, there's, it's, still it's.
Speaker 2:It's not only about the body shape, right, but it's how you work it, right. If you're dressing on hoochie mama and letting it all hang out, not for me, because that tells me something completely different about you, right, right, you're trying too hard.
Speaker 1:Yes, I agree.
Speaker 2:To show to get validation.
Speaker 1:To get validation and attention in the wrong way, but when you're classically thick and like you're just working you. Yeah, ugh yeah.
Speaker 2:So sexy.
Speaker 1:Yes, I agree so sexy.
Speaker 2:Yes, I agree, I have a good friend. I have a good friend. She's going through a divorce right now. She's doing the whole divorce, 30.
Speaker 1:She's doing the weight, yeah, I got it right. Hot girl, summer, all that.
Speaker 2:Now she's got a roster and she's kind of she's in her, hoeing it out stage for a little bit.
Speaker 1:Okay. Yeah, we've all done that after a long divorce yeah, a long marriage and divorce.
Speaker 2:And I told her I go, you know what, and we're very you know, we're very close, so we just say whatever we want to each other yeah I might do thicker oh, that's nice tooth thicker, yeah, and she, and then, and then.
Speaker 2:Now, what's funny about that is that we'll be out and we're we're butts, so we'll dance together, and then sometimes I'll dance with somebody else and she'll dance with somebody else but on a couple occasions I was dancing with somebody and she would walk right in the middle between us, turn around the girl, turn around to the girl and say bye-bye and then start dancing with me. Oh, and I'm like what the fuck? Could you just wait? She just that girl's no good for you Interesting.
Speaker 2:I'm like, how do you know that she's like? Because I know you, I'm like, okay, what was not good about her? I don't know. I just had a feeling and I said, and I, and just to be cheeky, I'd said, is it because she's sick and you're not anymore? Wow, yeah, well, you don't like you, you, you, you don't version of me anyway, so I'm just looking out for you.
Speaker 1:I'm like alright, cool no problem, interesting, I have to say my cousin met her.
Speaker 2:And my cousin says and my sister met her, she is so into you, but she's just frowning.
Speaker 1:I'm like whatever wow, yeah, the plot thickens. Stay tuned for the next episode where we talk about and she's amicable to going on a staycation.
Speaker 2:Okay, she's like a BFF, but she's down. Yeah, that might not end well, right, because when in Rome Right right Interesting, I think in Rome Right Right Interesting, I think it's just a lot of talk, it's a lot of talk, so I just indulge her talk.
Speaker 1:Right, well, that's I mean, it's good, it's good to have friends of opposite sex and share your thoughts and opinions and be honest about it. Yeah, that's nice. Okay, well, we've definitely gone way over our time, but hopefully everybody has enjoyed it, we are we are like uh, going on two hours here. I'll be spending the rest of my night editing and submitting the pod. No, just kidding. Thank you all for tuning in. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being here, tommy. I'm confident that everybody is going to want more. I'm down.
Speaker 2:It's just a conversation. You don't have to agree with me or us or what we do.
Speaker 1:Yes, what I want to share with the listeners is that we have so many topics to talk about, like our health journey, our going from relationship to single journey.
Speaker 2:And we, just, we have so many simple.
Speaker 1:we just have so many similar, similar things to talk about. Definitely more to come. Ladies and gents, remember to like and share and subscribe. It helps the algorithm. And want to give a shout out to all my loyal listeners and all my loyal subscribers. Roger Havens, thank you for being a loyal subscriber, appreciate you. I hope you got some insight from an expert over here. Tommy the expert dater no, it's just. Roger is a little bit more shy and quiet and always appreciates a man's perspective.
Speaker 2:So I think it's going to be helpful. I'm open to speaking with any one of your listeners on one little session just to get some insights.
Speaker 1:Yes, I love that. I love it a lot, I go there a lot.
Speaker 2:I go there a lot and I'm not shy about talking about it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that's the whole reason I wanted to start the pod is because I go. You know what's that saying? Jill of all traits, master of none? Yeah, Just because of our life. Experiences have brought us to where we are now.
Speaker 2:We're more alike than we all think.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, just got to peel back the layers and listen.
Speaker 2:If we see past each other's hurts, maybe we have a shot.
Speaker 1:Right, right.
Speaker 2:So thank you. Everybody Appreciate the time.
Speaker 1:Yes, we're definitely going to be taking questions and please send in your questions, your feedback.
Speaker 1:We would love to have you on the show. We would love to hear the thoughts. I'm hopeful that Tommy and I can morph this into a joint podcast together and would love to hear your feedback, your questions. You know to text in the app. It allows you to do that. Thank you to Kara lovemyartistetsycom. Check out her site. She's got amazing artwork, musical talents, a little bit of everything. Uh.
Speaker 1:Angie Germer of Thrive Lavelle For any of you that need help in filling the nutritional gaps to lose weight or gain more energy, angie Germer at lavellethrivecom. All of these links are in my podcast. Thank you, mike Kaufman, for being a loyal listener and subscriber. Thank you to Lisa Roberts Curbelo. Appreciate you. Miss you, kyle Few. Commitment to love Love is a verb. Thank you to Lisa Roberts Curbelo. Appreciate you. Miss you, kyle Few. Commitment to love love is a verb. If you haven't checked it out, you should. You can find it on Amazon via audible, and I think I covered everyone. Jeff Potter namaste. Hopefully you appreciated hearing our back and forth exchange. Jeff Potter wants to be on the show too, and he's a single guy same age-ish, so he has a lot of thoughts and ideas and opinions, so we should do one with Jeff. That should be a good time.
Speaker 2:That'd be interesting. Another gentleman's opinion.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes.
Speaker 2:I would love that?
Speaker 1:Yeah, definitely. Okay, I think that's it. I think I gave all my kudos and my thank you to everyone. Remember, like share and subscribe, it helps the algorithm. Thank you to you, Tommy, for being a wonderful guest and us talking up a storm. I look forward to our next pod and what we're going to get into together.
Speaker 2:Elke marami salamat.
Speaker 1:Now you have to tell me what that means.
Speaker 2:It means thank you very much.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay, well, thank you, appreciate it. Okay, guys. Well, you know what we say at the end. Ciao, for now.
