Confronting Your Past to Embrace Your Future

In this deeply personal episode, I explore how our childhood experiences shape adult behaviors through the lens of "Your Inner Child of the Past" by W. Hugh Misseldine. The emotional goodbye to my graduating students triggers profound reflections on my own perfectionist upbringing and healing journey.

• Understanding how perfectionist parents create adults who never feel "good enough"
• Examining how punishment cycles from childhood manifest in self-punishment as adults
• Recognizing why we often parent others the way we needed to be parented
• Exploring the connection between childhood wounds and our adult behaviors
• Learning how to look inward and heal the inner child through self-reflection
• Embracing growth and self-improvement as ongoing practices
• Acknowledging that healing childhood wounds takes time but is always possible

If you found value in this episode, please rate, comment, and share on your preferred podcast platforms. Subscribe on YouTube, Amazon Music, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify to continue this journey of self-discovery together.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to Elkivate Your Life
• 2:45 Saying Goodbye to Students
• 5:28 Your Inner Child of the Past
• 9:49 Childhood Perfectionism and Adult Consequences
• 16:17 My Personal Wounds and Healing Journey
• 25:10 Reflections and Healing Forward
• 31:23 Shoutouts and Thank You's

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Oh, chicka-wow-wow, what's up? Party people, welcome to another episode of Elkivate your Life. I am your hostess, with the mostess L as in the letter L and key as in the key to your heart. You may notice that I'm sounding a little melancholy on this mindful Monday and I have to tell you I'm feeling that way too. Sometimes I have all of these ideas in my head of what I'm going to talk about, and other days I don't know what I'm going to talk about. What I'm going to talk about. So, in reaching out to my listeners, my loyal subscribers, I kind of asked for ideas, suggestions, feedback. So let me start out with a positive. A positive is last Wednesday was the last day of school and it was sort of bittersweet and because I'm so sensitive, you'll probably hear me crying a lot throughout this episode. So bear with me, ladies and gents, I'm trying to hold it together. It was bittersweet for me. I wanted to go to graduation because I realized I wanted to see the kids that I have worked with for the past three and a half years. I wanted to see them graduate because I felt like the proud mama watching them walk up to the stage, walk down the stage. I didn't know it was going to be such an emotional thing for me, but I realized there were a handful of kids that I had to say goodbye to. That I was not prepared for, that I was not prepared for and I still get emotional talking about it because some of them I didn't get to say goodbye to. I had cards and trinkets and things to give them and I didn't have the opportunity to. The last day of school was their practice graduation and from there a lot of them just went home. They didn't come back to class, so I didn't have the opportunity to say goodbye and that part has, um, it's been tugging at my heartstrings so, yeah, so that happened on Wednesday and then I went to their graduation, which was again bittersweet and fulfilling. It's just making me realize how much I love those kids and my day job and what I do working with those kids and helping to prepare them for social situations and just helping to prepare them for life, you know.

Speaker 1: 4:13

So, moving right along, what one of my loyal listeners, rogers, suggested I talk about was your Inner Child of the Past and, to my surprise, roger has been reading that book because he, like many of us, struggle in our adult relationships and relationships, and so he suggested that I talk about it, and I went back to the pages that I was reading and highlighting and again just tugging at my heartstrings, making me realize some things that I did endure, I still battle with, and I wanted to just kind of share some of the books. So for those of you that haven't read your Inner Child of the Past, it is a world-renowned classic that shows how to solve adult problems by understanding your inner child of the past. There are four people in every marriage bed and every so-called lone wolf has a shadow. Doing better is sometimes worse, doing better is sometimes worse, and how over-coercion in childhood can lead to adult sexual frustration. Obesity, temper tantrums, perfectionism, compulsive drinking, careless spending and selfishness are related and can be controlled. Plus six rules for a happy family life and more, by w hugh misseldine md.

Speaker 1: 6:42

And then I kind of gave you guys the highlights last time about were your parents? And then one of the examples is perfectionist the adult. You could be endlessly preoccupied with physical, intellectual or social accomplishment. Well, my mom was one of those. She was definitely a perfectionist. Were your parents over-submissive? If so, the adult in you could be impulsive, trigger-tempered, inconsiderate of the rights of others. Were your parents overindulgent? If so, the adult you could be bored, unable to initiate, carry through or persist in individual effort. Were your parents punitive? If so, you might be vengeful. Were your parents neglectful? The adult in you could be anxious, lonely, unable to feel close to others. And were your parents sexually stimulating? Well, if they were, then the adult in you could be obsessed with physical sex, dissatisfied with personal relationships, etc.

Speaker 1: 8:31

So I was going back and reading my notes of when I read this so long ago and I've gone back to it several times since I've had the book, because hopefully, we evolve, grow, change, etc. Right, and this is where I get emotional. I was reading about our attitudes, about our childhood and how they mislead us, and there's this part that I highlighted Adult expectations. This is not a plea to let children dominate parents, be rude or disobedient. I'm not going to bore you with all the details, but it talks about childish. Things are never put away.

Speaker 1: 9:51

One of the most powerful and pervasive attitudes regarding childhood in our culture is the idea that at some point you cease to be a child and you are an adult forever after. This is contrary to the fact. Therefore, feelings or actions, or even wishes might be regarded as childlike are considered signs of unworthiness. Compatibility. Often people who belabor themselves have been raised in an unnecessarily strict environment with a constant parental demand for grown-up behavior. So as adults such persons continue to place such demands on themselves which the inner child of the past defies around their self-contempt. You can make a serious and sincere effort to be responsible and mature. You cannot manage the feelings and actions of your child of the past by putting them away. They are part of you and must be accepted before you can give your attention to your mature goals.

Speaker 1: 11:29

So I was just kind of reading that my mom was a perfectionist and basically what that did to me as an adult is I always feel like I'm a failure. I never feel like anything I do is good enough. My friends will tell me to like sit back, relax, enjoy yourself or whatever, and it becomes hard for me to do. For example, ocd tendencies the dishes have to be put away a certain way or it feels wrong and I have to look a certain way, I have to speak a certain way. Often perfectionist people who are generally very intelligent realize they are pushing themselves far beyond what is necessary or human. As an explanation to themselves. They say they feel ordinary and standards standards do not apply to them. The perfectionist is always striving to be their best at everything, but deep down not feeling like they're good enough. There's an example here. My mother taught me english and she drilled me constantly in perfect speech and grammar. The way I see it, there's no reason why I shouldn't use perfect english. God knows, I know this stuff. It's been drilled into me since I could talk. Yeah, that resonates with me.

Speaker 1: 13:51

And then I was reading about punitiveness. If you frequently feel that you are no good or bad, you find that you are punishing yourself or being punished by others, do you consistently beat yourself up? Many people do not recognize the punitive, scolding attitude which they have toward themselves. Raised in a culture that believes parents spoil the child if the rod is spared, they continue to apply the rod to themselves as adults. This is the way they were taught to treat themselves as children, in the child of the past, feeling anxious and guilty without excessive punishment, characteristic of his early home. And such punitiveness need not be physical. And such punitiveness need not be physical. It could have been endless, strict, moralizing the creation of guilt and feelings of utter worthlessness in a child because of his immature behavior at any age, when they were naturally immature. Naturally immature, invariably, some love and affection is mingled with harsh punitiveness, punishment, even severe and brutal beatings, can become a form of security for a child, in a way of knowing the world and himself in it.

Speaker 1: 16:08

I guess I'm sharing a sort of look at yourself as a whole and sorry if I start crying. Crying I was realizing why is it important for me to take care of these kids and nurture these kids? And I realized, oh, because I wasn't taken care of, I wasn't nurt. This out of malice, all of you, I say this out of learning and growing and evolving that my mom was a soldier. She was a single mom who had to take care of my brother and I on eye on her own income, and I was born 68, my brother was born 70, so it was a very different time, you know, to be a single mother. Um, she did it. She did it well, like I say about Capricorns, trudging up the mountain to the top, always striving to learn, be better, and, you know, striving to get to the top of the mountain, and that was my mom, and so for that I admire and respect her. Rest in peace mom.

Speaker 1: 17:53

But the flip side of that was there were very high expectations and so, basically, like a lot of us growing up, we had chores. Well, when my mom came home from work, it was her bed better be made and there better not be any wrinkles in the fitted sheet and there better be military corners, the dinner should be prepped, the table should be set and there were various other chores that should be done. And my brother had. You know, we, we shared in the chores, like okay, my brother did the garbages and I did the bathrooms, whatever. Interestingly enough, my brother got to the point where he was like screw this, I don't want to do any of this, I want to go to Bobby or Billy or Joe's house or whoever it was. And so I took on that burden because I knew if I didn't do my chores and his chores. And she came home and found that these things were not done. Well, back in those days there were no spare the rod, let's just put it that way.

Speaker 1: 19:21

Needless to say, I realize now in my current state I am always trying to include the outsiders, the people that are alone in the library or at the playground or at the cafe or in the local watering hole. I never want them to be sitting by themselves. I don't want them to feel sad and alone. I want them to feel included. And I realize now that comes from my upbringing and how hard it was, moving a lot, feeling like I didn't fit in, just feeling different, quiet, shy, introverted. And now I realize I've carried that into my life to where I speak up for my kiddos or I talk to them about speaking up for themselves and, for example, I have this one student that says it's fine, it's okay when she's being taken advantage of or taken for granted or being made fun of. And I'm the one stepping in saying it's definitely not okay. And you should not be saying that it is okay. These are your feelings and these are valid. So that inner child of the past who couldn't defend myself in that time is now stepping in to defend the students I work with and instill some confidence in them.

Speaker 1: 21:42

And the reason I'm sounding so melancholy is going through this book and reading some of these things I'm realizing I haven't healed all those wounds from the inner child of the past. It talks about a severely punished child, dreams of revenge and is unable to see the need for correction for rules and feels no tenderness. As an adult, they may still be driven by a deep desire to get back at those who punished them so unjustly and cruelly, because the parents have generally disappeared from the scene of the adult life, so it might be directed towards others. In my case it's the opposite. I don't try to retaliate or get even. Instead, I just embrace everyone and love everyone, sometimes to my own demise, where I am hurt or rejected and, uh, still have those feelings of being no good in order to punish myself. So, yes, this kind of opened a lot of old wounds.

Speaker 1: 23:33

What is also established in childhood is a punishment retaliation cycle. Studies of the effects of punishment on children show the child responds to it with one or a combination of the behavior which invites punishment retaliatory desires for revenge against the parent, self-punishing, guilt and feelings of worthlessness In adult life, crippling self-devaluation and feelings motion a retaliatory desire for revenge. So instead of punishing other people, I punish myself. Okay, sorry, guys, I keep reading things and kind of contemplating it if I want to share it with you. I guess the purpose of this excuse me, and where this is becoming a full circle moment is now because of all the things I didn't like. That happened to me growing up.

Speaker 1: 25:07

I now want to do the opposite. So we generally end up being the same as our parent or the opposite. So in my case, I want to love everyone, embrace everyone. But the reality, not everyone wants my help, not everyone wants, not everyone wants to work on themselves and uh and heal their inner child of the past and uh. I guess that's why I wanted to bring up the book and that's why it's making me kind of emotional, because I'm realizing as much as we or I want to share my love with the world and listen to people's problems and offer ideas or suggestions or encourage them to look inward, self-reflect, think about why they're allowing this behavior. A lot of it has to do with our inner child of the past. And until we look inward, self-reflect, sit in our feelings, look at those childhood behaviors, traumas, triggers, whatever word you want to choose, whatever word you want to choose, we cannot evolve and grow and become better and more self-aware and have healthier relationships. And so this has been very cathartic and therapeutic to me because it's made me look at myself and my own shortcomings, my own inner child of the past, wounds that I still need to work on and heal that I still need to work on and heal.

Speaker 1: 27:39

I will say that I do love the person, the friend that I am. I do love being a helper and a teacher, and so I hope that all of you will. I hope this resonates with a lot of you that are listening to you, in that we have to look at the behaviors that we have as adult, whether they are positive or negative, and where they come from, and do we want to continue those patterns that were instilled in us? I didn't have a dad as a role model. I only had my mom. I met my dad a handful of times, so he wasn't a role model to me. I mean, I met my mom's boyfriends and I can remember some things that they taught me, some good, some not so good.

Speaker 1: 29:10

So I hope the takeaway from this is that there's always time to grow and learn and be better, and what better time than the present? Why do we continue to put off things to tomorrow when we can start to work on those things today? And while this topic was very emotional for me, it was also cathartic and healing, and I am proud to say I am in counseling, I do meditate, I do exercise, I do self-reflect. Whenever someone brings their opinion or observation about something that I am doing or I've done, I am proud to say that I do look at it, think about it. To say that I do look at it, think about it and work on seeing my part in it so I can be better, and I do know that is from having a growth mindset that I am willing to do that.

Speaker 1: 30:43

I want to say shout out to my loyal listeners and subscribers Parker True, congratulations on graduating. I will continue to send you my podcast and I hope you will continue to listen. Now I have to find a way to zell you for your loyal listening. I used to bring them candy and the occasional incentives for being a loyal listener and sharing my podcast with others. Thank you to Travis Lemire for always providing feedback and suggestions on topics to talk about.

Speaker 1: 31:24

Kyle Few commitment to love Love is a verb. Ain't that the truth? It can be found. It's an audible. It can be found. It's an audible. It can be found on Amazon. And Kyle is my know-all, be-all guru of love, health, happiness.

Speaker 1: 32:01

Lisa Roberts Curbelo thank you for being a loyal listener. You still haven't shared with me how I can return the favor of you subscribing to my channel, other than giving you a shout out. I hope that you and Robert are well. I hope to see you and dance the night away with you in the near future. Roger, thank you for being a loyal subscriber. I hope this information helped you. I hope, if it's parts that you didn't read, that you will read them. If it's parts that you didn't read, that you will read them, and that it brings you closer to your perfect partner, the person that you're seeking, your love match, your soulmate, your twin flame. Thank you to Mike Kaufman for being a loyal subscriber and listening to my pod. I appreciate it. And thank you to Kara Canfield, kara Kitchell, lovemyartistetsycom of you about her amazing video testimonials not testimonials video montage. She does them for birthdays, anniversaries. She's done some great work creating her own music, her own songs music, her own songs matching it to the photo captures that you share with her and putting it into a lovely video montage so it could be a tribute of birthday anniversary. Whatever it is you're looking for, she's great at that. She also has some beautiful artwork on her page poetry, paintings, clothing line.

Speaker 1: 34:03

I always talk about the boots and the bag that I so desperately want. I'm still stocking them, kara. I hope they don't go away anytime soon and if they are, I hope you tell me Now. It's not really the season to wear those boots, unless it were cold or rainy, but it comes with this beautiful laptop-type backpack. Purple black leopard print. Purple black white leopard print. Oh my gosh, I'm just thinking about them now. I want to go look at them and just drool over them and, uh, yes, manifest that I will be getting those in my future. The question is when Now in my future? The question is when now? Do I have to wait another season? Do I have to wait yet again until fall to get those? Possibly, yes, maybe, uh. Jeff Parra, namaste, thank you for helping me to always stay grounded and optimistic, as I'm literally looking at my meditation music on my YouTube channel currently. These past couple days have been rough and your timing is always impeccable. So thank you, jeff Namaste. I hope that I remembered everybody.

Speaker 1: 35:48

Oh, persimmon Dental thank you for keeping my teeth clean, semi-straight, cavity-free Persimmon Dental, located in the Persimmon Plaza on Martinelli Way in Dublin. It is a family dentistry. I've been going to them for many years. Their staff is amazing and they have excellent hours If you have a dental emergency, they're always willing to try and accommodate you. So use the hashtag Elkivate and shout out to my girl, angie Germer.

Speaker 1: 36:33

Thrive Lavelle, their products help keep you balanced, healthy, focused, trim. If you're looking for that. They have all different types of products and her website link can be found in my podcast, angie Germer. I've mentioned her website several times, so hopefully by now you guys know it. But just in case, I'll recap you and, like I said, it should be in my notes or in my links. I make it a point to when I'm following people utilizing their products, whatever the case may be. So it's Angie Germer, 757-917-le-velcom, and I think that's it. That's a pretty long podcast. Sorry for all the pauses and the deep breaths and the heavy sighs, but this was one that hit home, so I hope that it resonated with all of you.

Speaker 1: 38:07

I will look forward to hearing your feedback. I hope that you will like share. Subscribe to all of you that follow me on the various different platforms. I'm trying more to build my YouTube, so please comment, like, share. It helps the algorithm. If you're available to do a sponsorship, that would be great. It would take me to the next level, where I can start creating my merch, which I have in the works. I would like to do and I'm working on now that I'm on summer break, kind of sorta not really on having guests on my show and yes, I look forward to. I look forward to hearing from you, hearing your feedback, reading your feedback like, follow, share, elkivate your Life podcast on YouTube, amazon Music, apple Spotify. Be sure to rate me if you are looking at the platforms like Apple Spotify, amazon Music and YouTube. They allow you to rate me, they allow you to comment and share your feedback. Again, it helps the algorithm. Thank you all for tuning in. Thank you all for listening. Ciao, for now.